We spent yesterday organizing our basement. It is one huge playroom for the kids. While toiling away, my wife found a box of old cassettes. Among them she found the inspiring song of freedom below. A local Kansas City woman sent it in to WDAF-TV in the hopes they would air it. It's many years old; my wife hasn't worked there in over 15 years. While I appreciate love of country as much as the next guy, perhaps not everything deserves expression through song.

We Are Free
(Anonymous)

We are free to remember and free to forget
Free to go swimming and free to get wet
We are free to make money and free to spend same
Free to build fortunes, free to seek fame

Free to rise early and free to goof off
Free to go sailing and free to play golf
Free to live simply and free to slide by
Free to watch ball games and free to ask why

Yes we are free
Indeed we’re free
In our sweet homeland
We are free (Free free free)

We are free to be married and free to give love
Free to have children, they’re free from above
We are free to find laughter and free to have fun
Free to talk silly and free to chew gum

We are free to be scholars and free to read books
Free to be doctors and free to be cooks
We are free to drive toll-ways and free to ride trains
Free to catch taxis and free to fly planes.

Oh we are free
Indeed we’re free
In our sweet homeland
We are free (free free free)

Yes our freedom is precious
And it must not be so
With it we’ll not bargain
‘Tis dearer than gold

We are free to be happy and free to dream dreams
Free to climb mountains and free to ford streams
We are free to be honest, and free to be true
Free to beat drums for the red white and blue

We are free to see beauty, ‘tis God’s hand
He mad it from scratch, this vast greening land
From Concord to L.A.
From Tampa to Butte
‘Tween rives and mountains
Our country bears through

Yes we are free
Indeed we’re free
In our sweet homeland
We are free (Free free free free free free free)

If this article doesn't convince you to get a brain autopsy, nothing will. It's all about early detection. Make a resolution to get one today!

Turns out my book is RIPPED from today's headlines.

Hutchinson — At least 87 people in southwest and south-central Kansas have been sickened by a bacteria found in raw milk, health officials said.

Okay, now I have yet another description for my book that centers a little more on the conflict Carl faces in the book:

Carl Krauthammer moves to Manhattan, Kansas, in an attempt to better himself, simplify his life, and be closer to his personal idol, author Julian Frye. Instead, his new life gets disastrously complicated. He sleeps with Frye's ex, exposes an underground dairy that sells illicit raw milk, and uncovers a militant wing of La Leche League that specializes in light domestic terrorism. Now he must put things right or risk screwing up his new life worse than the one he left behind.

I asked my son to write up a list of things he wanted for Christmas from Santa. He wrote "All powers" at the top of his list. I asked him what that meant and he got very quiet. He wrote "secret" next to it. Apparently he wanted Santa to grant him all secret powers for Christmas. I told him I didn't think Santa did that sort of thing, so he wrote below it, "or four sets of Legos."

So I really like Facebook, thought I understand about half of the stuff that goes one there. I'm getting better though. I still can't stop giggling when I see the "Poke her" link whenever you come across a woman. Sounds so untoward.

Guess that's just something I'm going to have to deal with.

My son Frank (age 4) said the thing he wanted the most was to be bald. Why? "Because it would be soooo fun."

Hair Club for Men, you lost one.

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I sent two more queries out yesterday to slightly warmer prospects. They are both agents who represent friends of mine. One has written two well-received literary fiction novels, the other has just written her first nonfiction humor book.

Hard to say whether or not it will be either person's style, but we shall see.

I will keep you posted.

At dinner the other night, my son Frank held up his index finger and informed us that it was his finger's birthday. We sang 'Happy Birthday,' but since this birthday was a surprise, we didn't have any cake.

The Cold Submission

I sent what I call a cold submission to an agent a week or so ago. I had no contact with her, no personal connections, and I had not done a ton of research except online and in the Writer's Market. I sent my query letter (since revised twice) and the first three pages of the manuscript.

Three pages was all she wanted. How can you get an idea of a book in three pages? I certainly never would have made it through lots of books just based on the first three pages. Gravity's Rainbow anyone?

But at the same time, three pages is more than most agents want. They just look at your letter, usually including just a one- or two-paragraph letter. Is this intriguing? Is this something new? If so, they'll ask for the first 60 pages. If they like that, they ask for the whole shebang. Even then they might pass, of course.

Not even sure if the agent I sent the stuff to even got to the three pages, because she sent me a 'pass' within a few days of receiving it. I understand it is the first of many rejections, but I think I will focus on making any more cold submissions a little warmer. I need to continue to research and find someone who has represented a humorous book or two from a new author in the recent past.

That's my task. If you've read any fiction recently that made you laugh, please send the title on to me!

The response to the mass email has been fantastic. I blame you people for my lack of a recent post. I've heard back from people who used to work at publishers, from people who have published their own books, and from friends saying they know no one in the industry, but wish me luck.

So now I have the book out to a few people to read, I've sent three queries out, and I'm trying to write a synopsis, a 3-4 paragraph summary of the plot. I've had problems doing that so far. Everything I have written sounds hackneyed, thought my novel is not hackneyed. Does that make sense?

It's a similar problem I had with writing my two-sentence synopsis. It just comes out as a list of things that happen. I need to delve a little deeper and find the motivation and the comedic turns of events that make the story engrossing. yes. That's all I have to do. Just that.

I'll post it tomorrow when I'm done writing it.

Next: The Mass email to friends and family

I have sent out the first 60 pages of my book to a friend who had promised to pass it on to her agent. Additionally, I sent a query to a friend of a friend, an agent in L.A. We will see what happens.

My next strategy is to send out a mass email to many of my contacts to see if anyone knows of any literary agents, or anyone who has a literary agent. Chances are you, gentle reader, will get one such email from me within the next few days. I will report back on the success or failure of this effort.

The story of the cellular biologist

As I was writing the book a week and a half ago, someone suggested I move up a mention of the raw milk story earlier in the book so that it would appear in the first 60 pages. Since raw milk and raw milk cheese is kind of hot right now, I figured that would be a good idea.

So I decided to make Carl's roommate a raw milk cheese enthusiast. But I wondered, would a biologist who actually studies milk (of the bovine variety) dare to drink raw milk or eat raw milk cheese that had only been aged 30 days, against FDA regulations?

I needed a biologist familiar with raw milk to help. I asked my wife if she knew any biologists. My brother-in-Law Tim is a Biology major, but I needed someone more focused on cellular biology. Polly said, "Yes, I know a biologist. I don't know if she'll remember me."

A quick Google search and she found the woman's name. We called her. She answered. When I described the question of whether this guy would actually risk consuming raw milk and that sort of thing, she said, "This is right up my alley."
Turns out she knew plenty of scientists who drink raw milk and eat raw milk cheese. Turned out to be a great resource. Chalk it up to guided serendipity. I told her I'd send a copy of my manuscript as soon as its done.

Continued tweaking on the Book Description

I have renamed my book. It is now called Raw. I also tinkered with the description some more to fix some parallel structure problems and add a reference back to Carl at the end to make it feel more coherent.

My book, Raw, is a comedic novel about Carl Krauthammer, a 38-year-old who drops everything to do with his life and moves to Manhattan, Kansas. His move uncovers the town's deepest secrets, including an underground dairy dealing in illicit raw milk cheese, a militant wing of La Leche League that performs light domestic terrorism, and a formerly-respected author who thinks Carl can help him restore his missing mojo. It's a complete novel of approximately 73,000 words.

I am also considering adding this line:

I know what you're thinking. Set in Manhattan, Kansas? Raw milk cheese? Militant lactivists? How many times must we endure this old story? But I urge you to please take a look.

Is it too flip?

I was supposed to be done with my book today, based on my anal-retentive schedule I made a couple of months ago. Instead, it looks like it will be completed by the end of the week. As my friend Whitney Terrell said a long time ago, "The changes you will make at this point will not change an agent's decision to take on your book." They'll either like it or not.

My plan is to send out query letters along with the first 60 pages. Seems logical. It's not like they will throw out the query letter just because I enclosed some of the work.

So my plan is to get the query letter and the sample out beginning Monday. I have had feedback from 6 or 7 people who have said they will pass it on to their agents. That's great news. A friend of a friend may be the way to get this thing published.

Next I will tell you the story of how I found a biologist to help me work raw milk into my book earlier than previously planned.

According to a new study, 86% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs. In fact the average job satisfaction rate has not dropped below 82% since the study started in 1972. So how does a story's headline to an article describing the study read? "American Workforce Surprisingly Satisfied."

Nothing about the results are actually that surprising. Perhaps it's the headline-writer who isn't satisfied. No wonder. Think about how thankless the job must be? You do your work right and no one notices. Do they give out a Pulitzer for excellence in headline crafting? I think not.

And when you do it wrong, everyone notices. Here's an example: "Clinton, Edwards butt heads."

I'll bet the world's headline-writers fall in the 4% who are extremely dissatisfied with their jobs. Maybe even worse than coal miners or honey wagon drivers.

Progress Report: With all of the first day of school events this week, I was still able to get some writing time in. I am crossing the 100 page mark on draft 3. Right on schedule for the mid September completion date.

At this point I have four people with agent contacts who have expressed an interest in passing my stuff on. This is great news. I won't have to go in completely cold, at least to these agents.

I'm working up my query letter.
I will post portions of it as I get it finalized so you can see how I'm approaching the selling of the book. It's kind of a tough sell, because while it takes place in a college town, I would not really call it an academic novel like Straight Man, Moo, or Wonder Boys. For one thing it is completely from the student's perspective, rather than the professors' point of view. It shares a setting with Moo, but without the midwestern mocking.

I am confident that if I can get the right agent just to read the thing then I have a good chance. It's possible some will dismiss it out of hand because the academic novel is viewed as trite. That would suck.

Enough navel-gazing for today. Sweaty lint. Eww.

I just ran through the whole book over the past three days, marking it up, figuring out what had to get fixed. I was pleasantly surprised that pages 100-267 were not in as bad of shape as I thought they were going to be.

I put my anal-retentive scheduling skills in high gear, and it looks like the whole shebang will be done and ready to go out to potential agents by September 12th.

I really feel some momentum now, and and urgency to get the thing out. The subject of raw milk and cheese made form raw milk is getting some press. I need to get the damn thing out.

So I have begun the daunting task of reading through my second draft as a whole. Right now it's 267 pages. From some editing I did recently, I am guessing I can cut out about 30 pages on my next draft, but I will probably add back in about 20.

The main thing I asked when writing the second draft was, "Do I have the right people in the room for each of these scenes?" This time I will finesse it by asking, "Do I have them in the right frame of mind?" That might involve cutting entire scenes.

I will then go back through and do some heavy editing, giving it the ol' Strunk and White Treatment. Mainly, I'll remove unnecessary words. I did that kind of edit on Chapter 8 and cut out an entire page out of 13. That's not bad.

Turns out "Ring Around the Rosie" is not a creepy rhyme about the plague.

Dispatch From the Front

Me: I think you kids like the idea of Pop Tarts more than actually eating them. What do you think of that?

Virginia: I don't even know what you mean.

Graham: Me too.

Frank: Me too.

Henry: Me too

I finally dumped Sprint as my mobile phone provider and I have never been happier. It cost me $200 to leave them, but it was worth it; now I have a new Blackberry phone and service in my basement office. Joy, oh joy.

After a week of letting my second draft rest, I will embark on a month of intensive editing. No more than one month. I could keep tweaking and messing with it, but as my writing professor Whitney Terrell says, "The changes you will make won't make the difference whether or not you get an agent."

My goal is to have it sent out by the time classes start up at UMKC. I only have one class left for my M.A., so the schedule is light.

When I first would describe the premise of my novel, I used to say this:

It's the story of a guy who decides to reinvent his life when he learns his wife is having an affair the same day the Big 6 accounting firm that employs him implodes due to some illegal tax shelters they set up. He decides to follow his dream to become a writer so he moves to Manhattan... Kansas, where his idol teaches writing. There he uses the skills he honed in business to succeed in the political atmosphere of Kansas State.

Universally, this was hated by those who had read the first part of my book. They, rightfully, said it was boring and did not describe any of the odd or funny qualities of the writing.

So lately I've been describing it this way.

Krauthammer 2.0
It's the story of a guy who decides to reinvent his life when he learns his wife is having an affair the same day the Big 6 accounting firm that employs him implodes due to some illegal tax shelters they set up. He moves to Manhattan, Kansas, where he begins to write about some of the odd things he encounters there, like an underground dairy that sells unpasteurized milk and a plot to derail trains carrying baby formula to third world countries.

But the problem here is that people think I have veered from the real plot and am making some kind of a joke.

Here is how I think I will describe it now.

Krauthammer 2.0
This is a comedic novel about Carl Krauthammer, a 38-year-old man who decides to drop everything and move to Manahattan, Kansas. His move uncovers the town's secrets, including an underground dairy that sells unpasteurized milk, a militant wing of La Leche League, and the reason why one of Carl's favorite writers has lost his mojo.

Would this description make you want to read the book? Give me your comments.

So now I have finished the second draft of my novel, Krauthammer 2.0.

The last 124 pages were not easy, but it now is complete. I now embark on a month of intense editing of entire piece. I'm kind of anxious to read the whole thing in one sitting.

The first draft really didn't make any sense, as I made changes throughout without ever going back and fixing problems at the beginning. This draft I basically rewrote the first 1/3, edited severely the last two thirds. I am so glad I'm done, though, because the final scenes really pinpoint the theme of the book, something that I strayed from a little in the middle. I hope to have the whole thing done here in a month or so, before Fall classes start up at UMKC, where I'm pursuing my M.A. in English, Creative Writing: Fiction.

Next time I will tell you of my struggles getting a short elevator-ride deription of what the book is about.

Check out this picture of a woman enjoying her chocolate. It's from this article. Isn't it kind of disturbing? Is she even wearing clothes?

I used to work at KMBC-TV many years ago, writing short commercials for the evening newscast. Most of what I did promoted the news for later in the day during which the spot aired. A reporter of news anchor would read my copy live. Most days I wrote four or five of these, and spent the rest of my time working on longer-term projects like promoting news series, which were stories that would stretch over two or three nights to keep viewers hooked. They don't do those kinds of stories anymore, preferring to focus on investigative stories and consumer protection stuff.

I'm sure you've seen the 30-second commercials that air right after your favorite 9:00 pm show finishes. They're called "teases," and usually involve the anchor talking about what stories are coming up next. The producer of the newscast writes these, since the promotion people work normal business hours and the producers have to work crazy schedules to get the newscast written and on the air. Last night on WDAF in Kansas City, they had one of these spots that came on right after the conclusion of 24.

The anchor said, "Two area men duke it out with swords." Duke it out with swords? That's just bad copy. Not only did the person employ a cliche, but he or she used it improperly. All right, no biggie, right. A petty complaint. But then it got worse. Then the newscast started and the anchor said, "An area man was attacked, but it's what he was attacked by that has people talking tonight." Well, we already know what he was attacked by, another area man. He was not attacked by a sword. He was attacked with a sword. How embarrassing for the producer. I sent them an email and asked for the person who wrote that copy so I could ridicule them. I have not yet heard back.