This blog goes out to all of my pals, playmates, and assistants. I received this email from Susan Smells, and feel I should take advantage of the offer, but I have no idea what any of it means:

Hi Slrevare!
July, 19, Thursday, last year - marvelous transnational bid starts! These days is a good period, you can get entrance to this incredible present at Truly Free!

Open this link at this time to get your 1OO% Free permit! http://dreamscomraderealms.org:freeadditional benefit@uk.geocities.com/wasiak29672wa/?q=0FODIzMC1hYWZwMTA3MjQzMg

P.S. Prized ally Slrevare tell about Amazing information to your pals, assistants and playmates!
With love, Susan Smells, supporter!

Superb unexpected universal windfall from Klara or your associate and associate John Cole. To stop from this very good hurried worldwide tips, send any email at 1OO% Free here valued Slrevare: mailto:aurora61@online.com.ua

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. I made a turkey this year, the second I have ever made in my life. It went very well last time I did it two years ago, so I decided to try it again. I was making my turkey for my wife's family. I have now my own special recipe for turkey, one that might become a holiday tradition for my family.

I use a recipe that was printed in the Williams Sonoma catalog. So, I had soaked the turkey in salt water overnight (a process called brining) and so I was ready to take it out and put it on a roasting rack in the roasting pan. I got it out of the water, rinsed it, opened it up, took out the gross bits inside and I realized it was a little frozen inside. Oh boy. I thought it was a fresh turkey. Turns out it was 'fresh frozen,' which truly is an oxymoron designed to fool 'plain-old' morons like me.

The problem was that it was almost 8:00 AM and we were taking the turkey to my wife's grandfather's house, leaving at noon, and this recipe says 3 1/2 hours. I did not have time for fresh frozen. It was actually only a little icy and so I was not too worried.

Then I remember I forgot Madeira, a very strong (some might call it fortified) wine, the main ingredient in the basting stuff. Well, I figured I would get the turkey cooking and then worry about the Madeira. So I look under the oven in that little drawer they provide for keeping things like turkey racks and roasting pans. Only problem was I forgot that I do not own a roasting pan. Nor did I buy a foil roasting pan at the store. 'Perhaps I can improvise,' think I.

I take out the turkey roasting rack and scavenge around the kitchen for something to serve as a roasting pan. Anything with a lip on it will work. I find the perfect pan, a shallow broiling pan. Then I remember. The damn thing does not fit in the oven in our kitchen. I hate the oven in our kitchen, as you might know if you have read my other posts. I preheat the oven and then turn on the 'upper burner' setting on the oven. For some reason there is no "bake" setting. Just a lot of odd icons involving fans and one that looks like a toilet brush.

There is another broiling pan but it is too small for the roasting rack to fit on. But what I do is put the pan in, put the rack with the turkey on it , and this is fine. At least 98% of the rack and all of the turkey is over the pan, so I'm not too worried. I put a piece of dampened cheesecloth (yes, I make sure I have cheesecloth, but a roasting pan, who needs that?) on the turkey and then go get my middle son out of bed.

I return to the kitchen after the turkey has been cooking for 10 minutes, to find the place filled with smoke. The cheesecloth has ignited. Part is glowing red and the rest is all black and had adhered to the already browned turkey skin. I open the oven and use the oven mits to pull bits of red hot cheesecloth off of my poor turkey. Did I mention I hate the oven that's in my kitchen?

As I run the cheesecloth remnants over to throw in the sink, my quick movements have provided a wonderful source of oxygen, which the smoldering remnants take as a sign that it's time to REIGNITE! I hurl them in the sink and turn on the faucet. A horrid smell rises from the blackened cheesecloth mound and it made quite a mess in our white corian sink.

I get most of it off and luckily the turkey didn't suffer too much. But that was it for the oven in our kitchen. I will never use that damn thing again. I plan on having it crushed into a cube like an old car. I keep calling it 'the oven in our kitchen' because we have an oven in our garage. Bet YOU don't have one of those! It comes in handy when your kitchen oven is as bad as the one we have. I got the turkey moved to that oven (set on 'bake' I might add).

I am a lucky guy. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful family. I am thankful that cheescloth burns instead of melting into a toxic, turkey-spoiling heap. While I curse the former owner of our house for picking out that damn oven in our kitchen, I am thankful that he thought to save the old oven and install it in the garage. I thought of all those things as I headed off to the only liquor store in the area for some fortified wine at 8:45 in the morning.

So that is how I stumbled on the recipe for Steve's Extra-Special Char-broiled Cheesecloth Turkey in Madeira Broth. You should try it sometime. It really is delicious.

How to be a shill on Amazon
So I'm on Amazon doing some Christmas shopping, and I just can't resist seeing what's in my little "Gold Box" of deals. On the list appears the Whirley Pop 6-Quart Hand-Cranked Stovetop Popcorn Popper. It looks pretty good and it's going for $12. SO I put it in my shopping cart.

Then I decide to look at the reviews of this popper and I see something disturbing. All of the reviews are either 5 stars (the most) or 1 star (the least). Hmmm. I read some of the reviews and realize that the folks who make the Whirley Pop are practiced in the art of Amazon shilling.

There are lots of reviews from real people, but you can tell which ones are real and which ones are not.

Here are some quotes from their shills:

• ALL kernels pop and the flavor is great. My first one wore out after 8 years of nearly daily use!! Dishwasher safe. We consider ourselves popcorn connoisseurs (or, addicts) and could not survive without this! I don't know why anyone would write a negative review without even trying it. THE BEST EVER.
  


• I was amazed at how great this pop corn popper really works! I must say that I have pop corn at least 2 nights a week, and from here on, all my popcorn is going to be popped in this machine. And not only is it cute, but the pop corn tastes better. More corn taste. Just melt a little bit of butter, maybe add some shredded cheese or some peppers and spices or just eat it fresh from the stove. Its great!
  


• The Whirley Pop is a wonder, producing theater style popcorn everytime I use it in just minutes. Nearly all of the kernals pop, scorching is a thing of the past and the popcorn is always light and crunchy...even a child can manage it! You wont even consider using microwave popcorn again.
  


• Buy this if you hunger for the best popcorn you'll ever enjoy outside of the (over-priced) stuff at the theater.
  If you think your DVD's are enjoyable now, wait till you view them while munching on the stuff from this popperl!
  


• I love this gadget. As we eat popcorn 3-4 times a week, this is a wonderful addition to our kitchen. I am planning to purchase several for Christmas gifts.
  


• I absolutely adore this popper. I've had mine for four years and it's still going strong...No other popcorn comes close to the taste of Whirley Pop popped popcorn! ;)
  


• Aside from the fun factor of cranking the handle for perfectly popped corn, the finished product is delicious. A tiny bit of oil yields better popcorn than theater, microwave or air-popped popcorn. The beauty of this popper is that you don't need to clean it after each use if you do not add anything other than oil into the popper. Don't be fooled by imitators. Make sure you buy a Whirley Pop!
  


• I deeply regret that I purchased this item. The first time I used it I decided to try the kettle corn recipe in the recipe book, as I'm crazy about kettle corn. In less than five minutes I had a huge bowl of completely organic kettle corn for pennies. IT WAS THE BEST KETTLE CORN I'VE EVER HAD! Now I am totally obsessed with kettle corn. It's all I want to eat. It's all I can think about. This is not good. But the Whirley Pop is good. Really good. Just be forewarned.
  

It goes on and on. And many of the reviews are written anonymously. Here's my favorite though:

• By the way the comment about Aluminum being toxic is only relevant for boiling acidic materials.
  

Check it out for yourself

So tonight, my daughter says, "Are you going to put me to bed later?"
"Yes, I probably will," I said.
"Well, after dinner maybe you can change your shirt."
"You don't like my shirt?"
"No."
Hmmm. It's a nice shirt. I don't know what her problem is.

I have discovered a taste combination bad enough to rival toothpaste and orange juice. Don't ask me how I came across this, but yellow Skittles and cabernet sauvignon taste absolutely horrid together. It tasted so vile it made me stop consuming both for the remainder of the evening.

I'm doing a search for the word 'Magic' for this project I am working on and a sponsored link shows up on the side of e the screen saying "Download Magic Trick Instructions Find out how to prevent it!"

What do you suppose that means? Prevent magic tricks? Hmmm.

One other thing that came up was the Magic Eye, creators of the world-wide stereogram craze of the 90's. I never once was able to see the hidden images. Never once. I feel left out of the 90's.

"There Are NO Agonizing Hanging Weights, NO Tough Exercises, NO Painful And Hard-To-Use Pumps, And There Is NO Dangerous Surgery Involved. "
-From some SPAM I received this morning

A week ago, my two-year-old son Graham decided he wanted to play with one of those glass Pyrex measuring cups. I asked him to put it away and he did not like that idea. So he threw it on the floor. It did not break of course. I didn't react except to say "Put that back in the cabinet." Then he picked it up and threw it again, closer to me, right on my second toe on my left foot. It hurt. Turns out the little stinker BROKE my toe. He was just being two, I know. My toe turned all sorts of pretty colors. Starting off with a delightful slate, followed by a nauseating eggplant, and finally a deep merlot.

It seems to be okay now. Although it hurt the day before we got our first rain in 5 weeks. Could my foot be a predictor of precipitation? Watch this space for an update soon!

I'm standing by the pool last week and a small flying insect flew into my ear. I immedieately stuck my finger in my ear and it flew in deeper. It got right up next to my eardrum and began fluttering.

It was really an unnusual feeling, having a bug inside my ear. Actually, it was kind of painful. I was running around kicking things out of discomfort. At my wife's suggestion I banged on the opposite side of my head to get it to come out. That seemed to make it angry and it began to flutter more.

It was still driving me crazy. My wife suggested banging on my head again, to which I replied, "I am not banging on my head again." It was a response remarkably free of profanity. Then my wife suggested pouring water in my ear, which we did, and the bug was killed and presumably came out of my ear when I tilted my head to release the water.

I have since been told to shine a flashlight in my ear and the bug will be drawn to the light and come out. To me it sounds more likely that banging my head would work.

I like to watch golf on TV because, as my brother-in-law likes to say, "It works in well with a nap." While not a huge fan, I follow golf a little. I understand the following headline I saw on Reuters, but it sounds sort of silly, don't you think?

"Shock Winner Curtis the Best Prepared at Sandwich"

Hear the ID tags for my fictitional radio station, KSLR, 98.6. They sound creepily real! They are in mp3 format.
ID 1 - ID 2 - ID 3 - ID 4 - ID 5 - ID 6 - ID 7 - ID 8 - ID 9

I don’t know about you, but I get all tingly and excited when I see those automobile sales event commercials on TV. You know the ones, with balloons and lots of ethnically-diverse couples wearing business casual clothes, marching around looking excitedly at sticker prices. It makes me want to buy a car immediately. The only thing missing is the host. Remember Squire Fridell who used to host the Toyota Sales Event ads wearing a bad tux in the 80’s? A commercial with a host. Now that's cool.

Apparently, Squire and his wife are now owners of a vineyard in Sonoma County, called Glen Lyon Winery, a winery that contributes to Ravenswood’s Sonoma County Cabernet Sauvignon.

He also wrote a very popular book, Acting in Television Commercials for Fun and Profit. The book has lots of tips and trick for aspiring actors, but many transcend the industry of TV commercial acting, such as "Your nails should be neatly trimmed and clean."

Squire worked for six years as Ronald McDonald. Ronald wears yellow gloves, so it's not as critical that the actors who portray him have clean nails after all.

I had the pleasure of attending a weekend workshop at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival in Iowa City, Iowa June 21-22.

It offered me a lot of interesting opportunities. First, I was able to hook back up with a writing buddy from college, Rusty Coats. Rusty's a great guy and an incredible fiction writer. We used to write and drink together as undergrads at Indiana University back in the mid-80's. I know only his short stories, mostly from that time, but they were incredible. Thiink of his stuff as what Steven King would write if he could write better endings. We picked up right where we left off, 16 years ago.

One night, by accident, we went up a ondescript staircase at a bar and discovered Iowa City's only Rap/Hip-Hop club. It was quite a scene. We were so out of place the bartender declined to serve us, saying "We're out of that," pointing my beer bottle. Downstairs they kept serving us beer, and the music was Good Charlotte and Twisted Sister. Sounds like an ersatz Hemingway anecdote, but we had fun.




Rusty and I both ocmmented that we had picked up right where we left off. Considering our shared sense of humor, our circuitous route to careers in technology, and our rekindled enthusiasm for writing, we talked like not much had really changed in 16 years.

The second opportunity the workshop afforded me was to go to Iowa City. I had never been there before, but I heard from many people what a cool place it is and what a great writing program it is. The person who kicked off the weekend said to those of us who were in Iowa City for the first time: "You will find this a fertile place for writers."



Down one of the main streets leading from downtown Iowa City to the campus of the University of iowa is the Iowa Avenue Literary Walk, which "celebrates, in bronze relief panels, some of the singular voices that have come together here, from Flannery O’Connor and Kurt Vonnegut to John Irving and James Tate." It's very cool.



Getting to Iowa City from Kansas City includes a great drive across I-80 through lots of rolling lush farm fields. It's a landscape I never get tired of. There are areas where you see for miles and miles with no manmade structures except for fences and an occasional collapsing barn. Iowa also has an interstingly-named chain of convenience stores. You have to wonder if they think it's a good name or maybe they are just used to it.

Finally was the workshop itself. I was a bit skeptical about the workshop. Rusty and I had planned in advance that as soon as it got boring we would leave. The workshop we signed up for was called "Character and Action." After 15 minutes it was clear we were not going to leave during the workshop, and by the end of the 2 days I wished it would go on another two days.

The instructor was the best writing instructor I have ever had, and perhaps one of the most inspirational instructors I have ever had in any subject. She taught the class with authority but never dominated the conversations. She taught with credentials, but never read her own work. She taught with experience, but never suggested her methods were any better than what had worked for us in the past.

My past experiences with creative writing classes at Indiana University had proved spotty. With a few exceptions, like Rusty and a some others, I generally did not think the other students had much talent, and I therefore did not respect any of the criticism they provided of my work. That was not a problem at this workshop. Without exception, I was blown away by the other writers in the class who read their work. It was unbelievably eye-opening. I truly feel I was the least talented person there. In a situation like that, you could not help but be challenged, inspired, and energized.

Overall, the experience had all of the characteristics of a pivotal event in my life: funny, inspiring, and mentally challenging. I will go back next year, and every year after.

Mr. Marc Graham
President
Jiffy Lube International, Inc.
PO Box 4427
Houston, TX 77210-4427

Dear Mr. Graham,

I write this letter to tell you how surprised and honored I was to be accepted as a Jiffy Lube VIP. The notification came without fanfare, no doubt deliberately designed to spare me any embarrassment at not having a speech prepared. Like a puddle of anti-freeze on the garage floor, the VIP card appeared unexpectedly after my last oil change and fluid top-off.

How many others have been given this honor? Who are they? What common values do they possess? To my embarrassment, I can only guess, as I don’t even know who last year’s inductee was, let alone those from years past.

What makes one person worthy of designation as “Very Important” while so many others get passed over? I believe in my heart that nothing positive happens without hard work and dedication to one’s craft. Greatness comes, not from luck or by accident, but rather from a positive attitude, and a deep-down belief that one’s efforts will some day be rewarded. That day came for me when your company deemed me a VIP.

To the others who were nominated but ultimately overlooked for this honor, I say press on. Keep the faith. I am living proof that if you really pay your dues and make your own success, you will be rewarded; if not here on earth, ultimately in the afterlife, where everyone’s a VIP.

So in conclusion, I thank you, the selection committee, and whoever else was involved in what must have been a difficult decision. If my travels ever take me to Houston, I will stop in to say hello to you and your staff.

Sincerely,



Steven L. Revare
Jiffy Lube VIP

I will be on KCUR 89.3 FM tomorrow morning (Tuesday) from 8-10 AM Central, raising money for the station's fund drive.

Now you can listen LIVE over the internet, so being in another city or "at work" is no longer an acceptable excuse for not tuning in!

Have a listen and give some money if you can. Call in your pledge to (816) 235-5287before 9:30 and tell the volunteer you know me. Then I will READ YOUR NAME on the air!

Rapunzel Snack Update:

Brach’s® Barbie™ As Rapunzel Fruit Snacks – The world’s favorite brand for girls, Barbie™, is now available in Fruit Snacks. Made with real fruit juice and fortified with Vitamins A, C & E, Barbie™ As Rapunzel Fruit Snacks come in 6 delicious flavors. The product comes in 7 fun shapes that include the Barbie™ logo, Rapunzel’s slipper and mirror, and the lovable dragon Penelope.

Who wouldn't want to eat someone's slipper or a mirror? Those ARE fun shapes!

The above is from Brachs. Check out the link because there are other more unlikely fruit snacks including Animal Planet™ The Crocodile Hunter™ Fruit Snacks.

So I see this box of candy at the drug store yesterday, and I still cannot figure it out. It was "Barbie as Rapunzel Fruit Snacks." I know what the words mean, but I have no idea what it is. Can anyone help me?

I actually bought a book called Smart Homes for Dummies. So, what does that make me?

The SteveCam is back, sort of. After a long hiatus, both cameras work. I can't get the thumbnail to work on my home page, but the larger screen pics work fine. Enjoy!

Check out the crazy music Steve listens to by clicking on "What's Steve listening to?" on the right under Seen 'n' Heard. It will automatically update so launch the window and enjoy!

Last night over dinner, my 3-year-old daughter told me she wanted a llama.

Can someone pull that "Bear Mobile" television ad for Jiffy Lube? I'm begging here. It runs every break during the NCAA tournament and I hate it soooo much. So please see what you can do. Write your congressman. Do something. Just get it off the air before I killl someone.

---FACIAL HAIR UPDATE---

I recently went to a friend's birthday party and it had a 70's theme. So, I shaved part of my goattee off to look like an ugly 70's moustache. Here are some pictures...

I was at QuikTrip the other day and saw the following text on a sign next to the gas pumps:

"QuickTrip gasoline is not intended for use in aircraft engines."

I really do not want to hear the story that prompted them to put that sign up at every pump.

Ok, so we have this oven in our kitchen. It's a Dacor brand oven. It was put in when the people who owned our house in 1992 redid their whole kitchen. lt probably cost some money when it wazs installed back then but it's a crappy oven now. Instead of having words on the dials like "Bake" or "Broil," the folks at Dacor in 1992 decided that obscure pictograms would be better; things like a square with a line at the top and the bottom. What does that mean to you? To me it meant bake, ao I baked everything on that setting. When I finally found the manual three months later, I discovered I had been baking everything on "Preheat."

Another irritating feature of this oven is a little knob you turn to change the temperature or set the timer. The same knob does both, showing the results on a little LED screen. But the knob doesn't work so well, and sometimes when you turn it, the temperature jumps from 100 degrees to 550 degrees. Turn it back the same amount and it goes to 525, turn it less and it's back to 100.

But those minor irritations are nothing compared to what happened today, when the oven refused to open up and give our biscuits back to us. The door was permanently locked for safety! We eventually had to call a rescue squad to use the jaws of life to liberate our batch of biscuits. They were, of course, burned. CURSE YOU DACOR!

Keep watching my home page for more Dacor oven updates.

The new Slugworth Incorporated website is up and running. Check out my consulting business!

Check out Jeff Drake's wonderful new Chuxx website.

Okay, this is downright creepy. Here is my baby pic (top) and Frank's baby pic. My picture looks like I would generally only threaten to hit someone, while Frank looks like he actually would hit someone.




My mom says it's the result of cloning.

Facial Hair Vote '03

Current results:
(0.2% precincts reporting)

3 votes FOR
1 vote AGAINST

Speaking of my new son, Frank Davis Revare was born on the 6th of February. A couple of pics...

FACIAL HAIR UPDATE
Since the birth of my second son on February 6th, I have not shaved the area immediately surrounding my mouth. REPEAT I have not shaved the area immediately surrounding my mouth. Here's a picture. Please send feedback.

Okay, so you want to know why I have posted nothing since before Christmas? That's because my wife bought me The Sims Online and I have NOT DONE ANYTHING ELSE FOR ONE MONTH. Look for me in Blazing Falls on The SIms online. I'm the one with the blonde mullet wearing leiderhosen.