Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. I made a turkey this year, the second I have ever made in my life. It went very well last time I did it two years ago, so I decided to try it again. I was making my turkey for my wife's family. I have now my own special recipe for turkey, one that might become a holiday tradition for my family.

I use a recipe that was printed in the Williams Sonoma catalog. So, I had soaked the turkey in salt water overnight (a process called brining) and so I was ready to take it out and put it on a roasting rack in the roasting pan. I got it out of the water, rinsed it, opened it up, took out the gross bits inside and I realized it was a little frozen inside. Oh boy. I thought it was a fresh turkey. Turns out it was 'fresh frozen,' which truly is an oxymoron designed to fool 'plain-old' morons like me.

The problem was that it was almost 8:00 AM and we were taking the turkey to my wife's grandfather's house, leaving at noon, and this recipe says 3 1/2 hours. I did not have time for fresh frozen. It was actually only a little icy and so I was not too worried.

Then I remember I forgot Madeira, a very strong (some might call it fortified) wine, the main ingredient in the basting stuff. Well, I figured I would get the turkey cooking and then worry about the Madeira. So I look under the oven in that little drawer they provide for keeping things like turkey racks and roasting pans. Only problem was I forgot that I do not own a roasting pan. Nor did I buy a foil roasting pan at the store. 'Perhaps I can improvise,' think I.

I take out the turkey roasting rack and scavenge around the kitchen for something to serve as a roasting pan. Anything with a lip on it will work. I find the perfect pan, a shallow broiling pan. Then I remember. The damn thing does not fit in the oven in our kitchen. I hate the oven in our kitchen, as you might know if you have read my other posts. I preheat the oven and then turn on the 'upper burner' setting on the oven. For some reason there is no "bake" setting. Just a lot of odd icons involving fans and one that looks like a toilet brush.

There is another broiling pan but it is too small for the roasting rack to fit on. But what I do is put the pan in, put the rack with the turkey on it , and this is fine. At least 98% of the rack and all of the turkey is over the pan, so I'm not too worried. I put a piece of dampened cheesecloth (yes, I make sure I have cheesecloth, but a roasting pan, who needs that?) on the turkey and then go get my middle son out of bed.

I return to the kitchen after the turkey has been cooking for 10 minutes, to find the place filled with smoke. The cheesecloth has ignited. Part is glowing red and the rest is all black and had adhered to the already browned turkey skin. I open the oven and use the oven mits to pull bits of red hot cheesecloth off of my poor turkey. Did I mention I hate the oven that's in my kitchen?

As I run the cheesecloth remnants over to throw in the sink, my quick movements have provided a wonderful source of oxygen, which the smoldering remnants take as a sign that it's time to REIGNITE! I hurl them in the sink and turn on the faucet. A horrid smell rises from the blackened cheesecloth mound and it made quite a mess in our white corian sink.

I get most of it off and luckily the turkey didn't suffer too much. But that was it for the oven in our kitchen. I will never use that damn thing again. I plan on having it crushed into a cube like an old car. I keep calling it 'the oven in our kitchen' because we have an oven in our garage. Bet YOU don't have one of those! It comes in handy when your kitchen oven is as bad as the one we have. I got the turkey moved to that oven (set on 'bake' I might add).

I am a lucky guy. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful family. I am thankful that cheescloth burns instead of melting into a toxic, turkey-spoiling heap. While I curse the former owner of our house for picking out that damn oven in our kitchen, I am thankful that he thought to save the old oven and install it in the garage. I thought of all those things as I headed off to the only liquor store in the area for some fortified wine at 8:45 in the morning.

So that is how I stumbled on the recipe for Steve's Extra-Special Char-broiled Cheesecloth Turkey in Madeira Broth. You should try it sometime. It really is delicious.

How to be a shill on Amazon
So I'm on Amazon doing some Christmas shopping, and I just can't resist seeing what's in my little "Gold Box" of deals. On the list appears the Whirley Pop 6-Quart Hand-Cranked Stovetop Popcorn Popper. It looks pretty good and it's going for $12. SO I put it in my shopping cart.

Then I decide to look at the reviews of this popper and I see something disturbing. All of the reviews are either 5 stars (the most) or 1 star (the least). Hmmm. I read some of the reviews and realize that the folks who make the Whirley Pop are practiced in the art of Amazon shilling.

There are lots of reviews from real people, but you can tell which ones are real and which ones are not.

Here are some quotes from their shills:

• ALL kernels pop and the flavor is great. My first one wore out after 8 years of nearly daily use!! Dishwasher safe. We consider ourselves popcorn connoisseurs (or, addicts) and could not survive without this! I don't know why anyone would write a negative review without even trying it. THE BEST EVER.
  


• I was amazed at how great this pop corn popper really works! I must say that I have pop corn at least 2 nights a week, and from here on, all my popcorn is going to be popped in this machine. And not only is it cute, but the pop corn tastes better. More corn taste. Just melt a little bit of butter, maybe add some shredded cheese or some peppers and spices or just eat it fresh from the stove. Its great!
  


• The Whirley Pop is a wonder, producing theater style popcorn everytime I use it in just minutes. Nearly all of the kernals pop, scorching is a thing of the past and the popcorn is always light and crunchy...even a child can manage it! You wont even consider using microwave popcorn again.
  


• Buy this if you hunger for the best popcorn you'll ever enjoy outside of the (over-priced) stuff at the theater.
  If you think your DVD's are enjoyable now, wait till you view them while munching on the stuff from this popperl!
  


• I love this gadget. As we eat popcorn 3-4 times a week, this is a wonderful addition to our kitchen. I am planning to purchase several for Christmas gifts.
  


• I absolutely adore this popper. I've had mine for four years and it's still going strong...No other popcorn comes close to the taste of Whirley Pop popped popcorn! ;)
  


• Aside from the fun factor of cranking the handle for perfectly popped corn, the finished product is delicious. A tiny bit of oil yields better popcorn than theater, microwave or air-popped popcorn. The beauty of this popper is that you don't need to clean it after each use if you do not add anything other than oil into the popper. Don't be fooled by imitators. Make sure you buy a Whirley Pop!
  


• I deeply regret that I purchased this item. The first time I used it I decided to try the kettle corn recipe in the recipe book, as I'm crazy about kettle corn. In less than five minutes I had a huge bowl of completely organic kettle corn for pennies. IT WAS THE BEST KETTLE CORN I'VE EVER HAD! Now I am totally obsessed with kettle corn. It's all I want to eat. It's all I can think about. This is not good. But the Whirley Pop is good. Really good. Just be forewarned.
  

It goes on and on. And many of the reviews are written anonymously. Here's my favorite though:

• By the way the comment about Aluminum being toxic is only relevant for boiling acidic materials.
  

Check it out for yourself

So tonight, my daughter says, "Are you going to put me to bed later?"
"Yes, I probably will," I said.
"Well, after dinner maybe you can change your shirt."
"You don't like my shirt?"
"No."
Hmmm. It's a nice shirt. I don't know what her problem is.