Journal of Aesthetic Suffering

Voice Demo Fail

2010-03-16T22:56:00.005-05:00

So my wife, who's a voiceover artist, discovered this voiceover demo online. She did not want me to post this because 'that would be mean.'

So, here it is, the WORST VOICEOVER DEMO EVER.

You're welcome.

It's the Tiger Woods' Pecker Show

2010-03-07T08:39:00.003-06:00

Here they all, every episode of our robot Tiger Woods show, as seen on Access Hollywood and The Soup.

NSFW! Lots of profanity, so keep it down at work or around your kids.

Written by David Epstein and me over the past few months.

Episode 1: Elin Confronts Tiger

Episode 2: Elin Decides to Go

Episode 3: Tiger Prepares for His Press Conference

All created with the most excellent xtranormal software.

Stool Boom

2010-03-04T10:17:00.002-06:00

I wonder what happened to make this announcement necessary.

Amazon's recommendations

2009-08-03T16:34:00.002-05:00

Here's what Amazon recommends for me. Man, you could have a hell of a weekend with those three items in tow.

The Four Stations on Preset in Heaven

2009-05-20T11:53:00.001-05:00

WFUV, New York
KPIG, Santa Cruz
WXRT, Chicago
KTBG, Kansas City

Have other suggestions?

Does this banner make me look fat?

2009-04-30T12:11:00.006-05:00

I was watching a clip from the Daily show when a banner completely obscured the video clip I wanted to watch. It would not go away until I refreshed my page. Why does life have to be SO HARD?

I see now that the advertiser is unfortunate in the context of this video clip.

First Swine Flu Fast Food Special

2009-04-28T09:06:00.002-05:00

Naming a Boat?

2009-04-25T16:23:00.003-05:00

If you're trying to find the perfect name for your catamaran in the Virgin Islands, allow me to provide a little advice.

DO pick a word that sounds fun. DON'T pick a word that means:

of, relating to, being, resembling, or affected by schizophrenia characterized especially by a marked psychomotor disturbance that may involve stupor or mutism, negativism, rigidity, purposeless excitement, and inappropriate or bizarre posturing.
-Merriam-Webster Dictionary

I provide this advice at no charge.

Playlist from the Highlawn Auction

2009-04-19T11:31:00.002-05:00

I was in charge of the music at the auction for Henry and Frank's pre-school. Here's my playlist:

If Only - KT Tunstall
Spirit In the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
Oh Yoko - John Lennon
City Hall - Vienna Teng
Vabeeotchay - Keller Williams
Jackson - Johnny Cash
Leave My Kitten Alone - The Beatles
This Time Tomorrow - The Kinks
Just Dropped In - Kenny Rogers & The First Edition
Rudie Can't Fail - The Clash
Jump Nyabinghi - Bob Marley & the Wailers
Don't You Evah - Spoon
Long Division - Death Cab For Cutie
Spaceship - Sharon Little
What'd I Say (Parts I & II) - Ray Charles
Believe Me Baby - James Hunter
Shake Ya Boogie - Mocean Worker
So Many Nights - The Cat Empire
Good Excuse (Live) - The John Butler Trio
Unholy Train - The Damnations TX
One Of These Days - Teddy Thompson
Clocks - Coldplay & Buena Vista Social Club
Cherry, Cherry - Neil Diamond
Chick-A-Boom - Van Morrison
I Want You Back (Z-Trip Remix) - Jackson 5
In Between Days - Folds
Late Morning Lullaby - Brandi Carlile
Peace - Los Lobos
My Two Feet - Old 97's
My Life Is Totally Boring Without You - Cracker
Luxury Liner - Whiskeytown
Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash & The Tennessee Two
No Sunlight - Death Cab For Cutie
Mrs Potters Lullabye - Counting Crows
Sly - The Cat Empire
Let Her Dance - Los Super Seven
Dance the Night Away - The Mavericks
Hotel California - Gypsy Kings
Tenderness On The Block - Shawn Colvin
Revolution 1 - The Beatles
One - Aimee Mann
Three Is A Magic Number - Blind Melon
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Impossible Germany - Wilco
See That My Grave Is Kept Clean - Los Super Seven
You're Barkin' Up The Wrong Tree - Sue Foley
Ma 'Tit Fille - Buckwheat Zydeco
Always A Friend - Alejandro Escovedo
Real Love - Lucinda Williams
American Gangster - Elvis Costello and the Imposters
Get Rhythm - Johnny Cash
Who's Been Here - Commonwealth Jones
Pride and Joy - Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble
Crazy Dream - Los Lonely Boys
Perfectly Good Guitar - John Hiatt
Pure And Easy - The Who
How Come - Ray LaMontagne
Hold Me Back (Frankie & Johnny) - Michelle Shocked
I Gotta Get Drunk - The Little Willies
Littlest Bird - The Be Good Tanyas
Stray Paper - Tift Merritt
One More Song The Radio Won't Like - Kathleen Edwards
Murray - Pete Yorn
Love Plus One - Haircut 100
Burning In The Sun - Blue Merle
Duck And Cover - Glen Phillips
Driving Sideways - Amiee Mann
Nothing I Can Do - Ben Taylor Band
Trouble - Ray LaMontagne
Louisianna (Live) - The Alternate Routes
Words - Lucinda Williams
Just Like Heaven - Katie Melua
Tell Ol' Bill - Bob Dylan
Different Kind Of Fine - Zac Brown Band
[You'll Be] Satisfied - The Subdudes
Have You Ever - Brandi Carlile
Losing You - John Butler Trio
Girlfriend Is Better - Talking Heads
Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia) - US3
1 BR / 1 BA - Vienna Teng
Just Enough - Love Aslyn
Little Things - Los Lobos
Send Your Mind - Van Morrison
Nothing In This World Can Stop Me Worryin' Bout That Girl - The Kinks
Follow That Sound - Sharon Little
Join Together - The Who
I Make The Dough, You Get The Glory - Kathleen Edwards
Old Friend - Lyle Lovett
Whatever You Want - Vienna Teng
Nothin On Me - Shawn Colvin
Hold On - KT Tunstall
Lupita - The Iguanas

Least Popular Facebook Feed Items

2009-04-07T12:49:00.007-05:00

The recently-updated facebook interface really keeps me up-to-date with the comings and goings of my friends. Here's a list I've compiled of the least popular updates I've received on my facebook feed:

1 friend has become a fan of Jimmy Dean Pork Breakfast Nubbins.
You've been tagged in Carrot Top's Note: "45 Random Things About Me"
3 Friends have taken the "Which 'Small Wonder' Character am I" test.
You have received 8 pieces of limited edition bad karma.
Your friend Carl found out he was "Trench Mouth" in the "Which Communicable Disease Are You" quiz.
You commented on your own picture. 1:56 AM.

That WAS Elton John: March 5, 2009

2009-03-29T15:01:00.004-05:00

After sleeping in and a workout, we headed up poolside for our boring day at sea. Ha! A short rain storm cleared the deck chairs and our friends Rebecca and Lee had snagged a few chairs before the bands had started. Perfect. They let us sit with them and we got to meet their friends from Knoxville. Everyone is so damn funny on this trip and they all have excellent taste in music.

We proceeded to sit by the pool, drink beer, and watch Bonepony, Roddie Romero, and the Greencards by the pool. Part of the package you get on board is getting your picture taken with your “Twice as nice” artist. We got our picture taken with John Hiatt. This was a cattle call if I ever saw one. They whisked us through. I wondered aloud to Polly if John Hiatt gets a copy of his picture with everyone. The woman in front of me said yes, I'm sure he cherishes those pictures. I imagined him flipping through an album of all of these pictures of him with strangers.

We grabbed a bite to eat and the captain came over the PA system. He spoke in his morose Norwegian accent and told us that the waves were too high and that tendering operations required for us to go to Stirrup Cay, NCL's private island, would be too dangerous. So instead we're going to Nassau tomorrow! Woot!

That night’s ticketed event was Shawn Colvin. She does a great job live because her sense of humor comes through during her between-song banter. She was talking about the Poseidon Adventure, and how if the Norwegian Dawn were to capsize, her cabin would put her on the bottom. She also mentioned the Titanic. She performed her favorite lines from Titanic: “Jack?” “Rose!” Jack!” “Rose?” The seas were angry again that night. I’m not sure how the performers kept their balance while playing and singing. “These Four Walls” was her best performance that night. She closed by saying, “have fun on your boat.” Not sure exactly how she meant that, but the idea I got was, “Y’all are crazy for paying to be on this boat.”

After the show we met Lee and Rebecca at the premium French restaurant. The ladies brought a bottle of wine (you’re allowed to bring 2 bottles on board). It was a delicious French burgundy and we made quick work of it. Then we had a Syrah. Quite delicious. Then Lee ordered another bottle of the Syrah. Delicious. This after a day of drinking beer around the pool. It was shaping up to be quite a session. Brandi Carlile was in the Star Bar rehearsing her piano skills, but we were not allowed, seeing as we’re not stars.

As we were walking to Gatsby's, we looked outside the window and the sea looked so rough, probably the roughest we’d seen. Huge waves smashed the front of the ship, leaving a churning white foamy surface that streamed by the window. A woman walked by and said, "I told you it was crazy out there." Then she looked at us again and said, "Well, maybe it wasn’t you, but I told someone that."

At Gatsby's, where we drank yet more beer. It was open mic at Gatsby's. Matt Bianco did a few numbers, as did Joel Guzman and his wife (whom we realized was the woman who said the funny line about the ocean in the hall to us.)

We talked and talked with Lee and Rebecca. These are fantastic, smart, and funny women. We vowed to come visit them in New Orleans. They said, "We have a big place, so bring all the kids." I said we would, and then Polly and I would get a hotel room in the French Quarter. She said never mind, then.

At 2:00 AM, we made fun of the poor perspective technique used in painting the murals, mimicked in the pictures you see here. Polly lasted late on this night, and we all guessed we'd seen as much cool stuff as we could handle. Polly headed off to bed. As soon as she left, Lee, Rebecca and I had one more beer and then it was time for bed. As we walked down the hall, we saw in one of the lobbies Brandi Carlile was doing an impromptu concert on the piano. After she finished a song, she solicited requests. Someone yelled for an Elton John song, to which Brandi responded, “That WAS Elton John.”

Then she sang Turpentine. Someone next to us sang along, which irritated Rebecca, who is quite a talented singer/songwriter in her own right. When the song was over, I requested Turpentine. We laughed. Vienna Teng and the twins helped Brandi out on Let It Be. This was one of my favorite parts of the cruise. Sadly, Polly missed this one too.

Pusser's Pub and the Order to Abandon Ship: March 4

2009-03-14T10:07:00.004-05:00

We woke up in Tortola, part of the British Virgin Islands. The stats on the TV pegged the humidity at 100%. Nice.

We convinced a reluctant cab driver to take us to Sage Mountain National Park. In the shared cab some people from Augusta, GA talked about the potential bankruptcy of Blockbuster. Polly asked if we could talk about puppies and kittens since we were on vacation and had steadfastly refused to watch any news on the sketchy TV coverage in our stateroom.

We met some lovely women from San Diego. We agreed to share a cab back to town. The woman in the kiosk at the entrance to the park said, “I have some things to say. It will be $3 per person.” Apparently that’s all she had to say, because she didn’t say anything else until we all paid. Then in front of everyone she said to Polly, “Your husband's going to have to zip up.” After an embarrassing moment, she added, "his backpack." One of the pockets on my backpack was undone. Whew.

Before we started out I went into the small snack bar where a woman was in there watching Maury Povitch. I came out and told everyone I was just going to stay there and watch instead of going on the hike. Got a few chuckles. We made it to the old fig tree and caught up with the ladies from San Diego. Polly was experiencing a blood sugar low, and the ladies offered her an apple. It was a nice gesture.

We hit the highest peak in the British Virgin Isles and then it was down to Road Town for lunch. We convinced a skeptical cab driver that we wanted to go to Roti Palace and he reluctantly pointed us the way. Apparently roti is a West Indies/Carribean/Indian thing where flatbread is wrapped around curried potatoes and the protein of your choice. We chose conch. We were the only ones there. It was delicious, and better than the chicken fingers served in the unappetizingly named Pusser’s Pub.

That night’s ticketed even back on the ship was Brandi Carlile. Brandi has such a great voice, and she’s so damn cute it’s hard not to love her.At one point she sat down to do a piano song (she normally plays the guitar). She had a little trouble getting settled and she admitted, “these jeans are TIGHT.” And she does not shy away from the covers. She played the Beatles We Met, Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash, and Let It Be, joined by Alex Wong and Vienna Teng. The Twins, Brandi’s bassist and guitarist, did some amazing turns on vocals during that song as well.

One myth people relate about cruises is that everything is included. Not so. You have to pay for cokes. $50 for a week’s worth of unlimited sodas. I know, they're in the business to make money, but soda fountain drinks are practically free. You also have to pay for juice, some gratuities, and to gain entrance to the better restaurants on the ship. That’s what we did on this night. We went to Le Bistro. That’s French for The Bistro. The food was good, definitely better than the ‘free’ fare. Apparently they have been holding out on us. They had some dish called a “French-inspired Cheese Trolley,” which I envisioned as a miniature street car you climb on and they roll you around the restaurant as you sample the cheeses. Every lap or so they ring a bell right by your ear until you’re so embarrassed you ask to disembark.

Besides better food, one of the advertised draws of the pay-extra restaurant is better service. We had a lovely server named Via. She told us she’d been cruising since 2003. Polly said, “So you have your sea legs?”

“Yes,” she responded. “I’ve seen the worst.” She then related the story of how, after just three months at sea on the Norweigian Majestic, the captain missed the warning signs of a typhoon and a bad storm hit the ship. On the 5th floor, the windows of the bar broke out and water was coming in. They had issued an abandon ship warning. She sat in the crew area with her life preserver on. Through the walls in the next room she could hear everyone, adults and children praying and crying. She knew the stors was so bad that just getting into the boats would be a nightmare. Just as they were to begin getting in the boats their prayers were answered. Just as the storm blew up, it blew out. She said it was immediate; startling everyone. Needless to say, she’s a lifelong believer in the guy upstairs now.

A fascinating story, but possibly one I’d rather have heard after we got back to Miami.

I saw a little bit of Ed Robertson’s set. He’s the lead guitarist for Bare Naked Ladies. They do their own cruise with the Sixth Man, the company that put on Cayamo. He said he was telling Andy from Sixthman how much he would have loved to be on that boat with John Hiatt, Shawn Colvin, Patty Griffin, Brandi Carlile, and Kathleen Edwards. So Andy’s response was, “So why don’t you come?”

It worked out well, because Buddy Miller had some serious health trouble and could not attend the cruise. Ed’s set was fun. He is really funny and puts out some hilarious, quirky stuff. He told stories about his son and daughter. He played a couple of hits from Bare Naked Ladies, as well as some stuff from their kids album, and the theme from Big Bang Theory.

We got to sit on the third row for a second ticketed concert of the night, John Hiatt. This show was a return to John’s true form. He only had three repeated songs from the concert we saw the other night. Highlights of the show were The Tiki Bar is Open and Lift up Every Stone.

I went to see Oakhurst at 12:30 AM, but was worn out from the past two nights and only stayed for a few songs. They sure were rocking it, though. The waves had gotten a lot higher and the wind had picked up a lot. Polly opened the door to our room to place the room service door hanger on it and the wind blew cans and papers off of the table. It was crazy. The stats channel described the sea as “Rough” which means 15-20 feet. Holy moly.

Starting a band?

2009-03-14T09:48:00.004-05:00

If you're starting a band, one of the hardest things to do is learn to play an instrument really well. Second to that is deciding on a name for your group. Never fear. Here's a handy list for you to choose from. Just make sure you mention me in your liner notes if you hit it big.

101 Damnations
Proper Trousers
Ground Clutter
Tulip Craze
SlobberFly
Pie Trajectory
Tongueprint
Voltaire and Swift
2 Hefty Astroids
Red Itchy Little Mofos
Dog-In-Law
Seamus O'Toole and the Other Jews
PolySorbate 50
FreakDust
Sheep Wagon
2 Brutal Toilets
The Magic Of Cakes
Discolored Tooth
Guar Gum and the Phenylketonurics
WordStar
Joe's Brood
The Cramped Minstrels
Mr. Eddy's Father
Lincoln Towncar and the Curb Feelers
Bulk Male
Pot Luck
Red Sparklerz
The Ne'er-do-wells
The Man to Beat
My Porcelain Jackets
T.B.A.

Great new product from FTD

2009-03-12T09:03:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine gave me this great idea for a product. Order yours today.

Submarines and Mahi-Mahi Sandwiches: March 3, 2009

2009-03-10T16:33:00.003-05:00

When we woke up we looked out the door of our cabin to see we had reached St. Thomas, one of the U.S. Virgin Islands. I hadn't been here in 38 years. The place had changed. We took a taxi to Morningstar Beach. it was a perfect day and we watched some kids frolic in the water. After an hour or so, we got aboard another taxi that took us to the main touristy area, where we secured tickets to a submarine trip through the corral reef at Turtle Bay. We then took a quick walk (one guy told us 15 minutes, another 45 we speedwalked it in 25). The main town of Charlotte Amelie is a charming little town with old buildings painted in pastel colors, like the Quarter in New Orleans. It’s filled with jewelry stores and perfume places. The winding narrow streets and delightful narrow arcades make it an interesting walk. There were 5 cruise ships in port, so it was a little crowded for our taste. We ended up at Gladys' Restaurant where we ate grilled Mahi Mahi sandwiches. Best meal of the trip so far.

We took a small boat out for a 20-minute ride on the choppy water to the point where you rendezvous with the submarine. We sat there for a while out on the front of the boat and a light blue area of the water formed and a submarine popped up out of the water. The people got out and we got on, The sub held 30 and we were 14, so there was plenty of room. They told us we could move from side to side, but not front to rear, so that we didn’t upset the sub’s balance and buoyancy mechanisms.

We saw tons of snapper fish, a 6' reef shark, a stingray, a blowfish, lots of coral and the part sof a ship that sank out there ten years earlier. Pretty cool. The tour guide described why everything looked a little washed out. He told us that because saltwater is denser than air, it filters out different colors as you go deeper, eventually filtering out all color where the water is dark. We went just under 80 feet deep on this excursion and the water had filtered out the red color of my KC Chiefs hat. Yes, I wore a Chiefs hat. I was worried I would blend in with the locals and people would not recognize me as a tourist, so I dressed the part. So they turned on the inside lights of the sub and my hat went from purple to red. Kind of a cool trick. Try it the next time you're hosting a party in a tourist submarine.

The excursion was unlike anything I have ever done before.

We rushed back to the boat for a bite before the John Hiatt show. John had a four-piece band, the Ageless Beauties, a funny name because all three of the other members were 20-years John’s junior. We learned later that John had a little flu and that explained why his show was a tad lackluster. He forgot a few words and missed a cue or two. He was still outstanding, though, the highlights being Feels Like Rain, Memphis in the Meantime, and a keyboard-free Have a Little Faith in Me. After dinner we rushed to catch the last half of Joe Ely’s set that he played with Joel Guzman on accordion. He played El Gallo del Cielo, a terribly sad song that makes you care about cockfighting. We headed to the atrium to see Katie Herzig, whose music was a little different from the rest of the artists, but fit in wonderfully. Her songs gave me goose bumps. At some point we also saw Aslyn, who played some great music. After hearing her sing and play piano, I thought she must like Ben Folds because some of her songs had his percussive piano and turns of rhythmic phrases. She played a great song called Wally. I really wished I could have seen more of her set.

I decided to check out Mindy Smith again, even though her previous performance had some cringe-inducing moments. I’m glad I did. She was fantastic. Highlights here were Come to Jesus, One Moment More, and Raggedy Ann. I got to meet her and get a snapshot.

By 12:30 I was wiped, but I had to go see Glenn Phillips, the former lead singer for Toad the Wet Sprocket. As I walked up the stairs to the Spinnaker Lounge, I saw another couple just barely able to make the trek. I told them, “You have to do it. This is why we’re here. Come on, we can do this.” They laughed. I lasted for an hour or so of Glenn’s great set with his violin player. Glenn is an old pro at the interstitial banter. He revealed that he had never been on vacation with his wife and not the kids in 13 years. He said being on stage was not for our benefit. Actually, he was trying to get laid. He said his performance was not for all of us, but for one of us. Quite funny. i saw him the next day with his wife, but did not have the guts to ask them if his plan worked.
Asleep by 1:45 AM.

Cacao, Sophie's Choice, and Ze Vails: March 2, 2009

2009-03-10T16:09:00.005-05:00

Woke up early, had another room service breakfast. I went out to get our Internet access up and running. While returning, a woman stopped me in the hallway. She said, "Have you seen ze vails?" I said, "What?" and she repeated, "Have you seen ze vails!? Svimming alongside ze ship zere are vails!"

Apparently a couple of humpbacks were swimming alongside the ship. Sadly, I never got to see ze vails. I never saw that woman again, nor did I ever hear a German accent again on the whole trip. Perhaps I had seen Ze Vision of the Disembodied Fraulein of Ze Norvegian Dawn!

We dropped anchor in Samana Bay that morning and got off the ship earlier than expected. As you get off of the ship, people surround you with little books of pictures that show the different tours available or diagrams showing the kinds of whales you might see on a whale-watching excursion. We had to be back on the boat in time to see Lyle Lovett, so we were not able to go whale watching. Finally a nice fellow named Samuel took us back ot his little office and showed us pictures of a waterfall, a beach, and a bay view. Forty-five bucks for the day. A guy named Taylor from Alabama joined us. Samuel drove us to a place by the side of the road where several cars and motorcycle taxis had parked. Then Taylor and I bought Presidente beers and we began the slippery walk to see a waterfall.

As we walked, Domingo, one of the owners of the land we crossed pointed out the various flora and fauna around us. We saw mango trees, banana trees, cacao trees, coffee bean trees, pea trees, pineapple trees, and coconut trees. The waterfall was beautiful. Domingo told us 7 or 8 people who’d received the land from their parents owned the land that the waterfall was on.

At this point we split from Taylor, whom I'm pretty sure left with Samuel to buy pot. We then went to a touristy place for lunch. Polly had red snapper in a coconut red sauce. I had shrimp Dominican style, which involved a red sauce. We also tried a little ceviche. Sitting at the table next to us was Tift Merritt, a great singer-songwriter on the cruise, and her partner Zeke. They were as nice as could be. I complained that they had never played Kansas City. They mentioned they had just played Aspen in a crazy snowstorm, and that it made it sweeter to be there, having beers looking out over the beautiful sunny bay in Samana.

We walked down to the beach and lay down on a few chairs. After half an hour some fellow came up and told us we owed him $5 to sit on the chairs. I paid, Polly refused. We gave ourselves a 50% discount.

Walking back to where we were supposed to meet Angel, Samuel's friend and driver, we passed Kathleen Edwards and her husband (sitting on a beach towel, which I assume is free). We ran into our friends from New Orleans, Rebecca and Lee. We determined we were accidentally stalking each other. We really hit it off with these girls and we laughed a lot. They have the same sense of humor as we do. Polly and I bought some rum and vodka to smuggle back onto the boat. Angel helped us pour it into a water bottle and then he placed the Absolut bottle behind a tree. That's when we noticed the piles of trash everywhere. They have no problem tossing litter out the window, or even using the land in front of their house as a dump. Bags of trash piled up on every corner. Samana is a dirty city. Angel took us on a short tour where we got to see a wonderful view of the city from the parking lot of a Chinese restaurant.

A little jaunt in a shuttle boat and we were back aboard the Norwegian Dawn. We grabbed a quick burger and headed to see Lyle Lovett. During Lyle’s show the ship pulled up its anchors, which made for a loud environment for the show. Glenn Phillips’ fiddle player, Luke Bulla (he and Lyle's mandolin player who used to play for Ricky Skaggs) sat in on a few songs and played some cool solos. Lyle's set was great, with a few obscure tunes thrown in. John Hiatt came out to join him on "My Baby Don't Tolerate," which featured a great section where Hiatt and Lyle's guitarist played dueling solos.

They closed it out with "If I Had a Boat," the perfect end to a great concert on a ship.

As I walked up the stairs I saw Taylor, the guy who had been with us for a while in Samana. He looked quite serene. “How are you doing, Taylor?” I asked. “I’m doing awesome!” He definitely went to get pot.

We then went to see Shawn Mullins. The Accidental Stalking continued when we ran into Lee and Rebecca and watched some of the set with them. He played "Beautiful Wreck." It was a great song. As his set progressed, we started getting a little depressed. The subject matter of his songs was really sad, three in a row, so we all left. We wondered if we could watch “Sophie’s Choice” or talk about 9/11 to cheer up.

We had a few beers at the Pearly Gates, and then Polly headed off to bed. Rebeca, Leigh, and I went to see Oakhurst, a fantastic guitar, bass, banjo, and drum combo. We danced and laughed. I performed a perfectly choreographed dance to an Uncle Tupelo cover of Acuff-Rose. These guys are a great dancing band. Go see them if you ever get the chance. I went to bed at 2:45 AM!!

Mini Corn Dogs and the Outfield: March 1, 2009

2009-03-09T20:40:00.006-05:00

After a room service breakfast and a light workout (note to self: don't try to do step-ups with 35 pound dumbells in each hand during moderate waves), we went poolside to hear Brandi Carlile and the Indigo Girls. It was a great show. They have written a few songs together, and Brandi's voice fit in perfectly with the Indigo Girls' harmonies. It was so windy that a slice of cheese blew off of my chicken sandwich. That's windy, people.

We then saw Web Wilder, with a few members of the Flaming Groovies: fun party music with rocking guitars. We walked around, got a little sun, and vowed to go hang out in the Fore hot tub before the trip was done.

After some room service pizza and a shower, it was time for our first ticketed show, the Indigo Girls.

The show was really fun, with Brandi joining them for three or four songs. Mindy Smith came out to sing Come to Jesus (one of my favorite songs). She was quite nervous, but sang beautifully, accompanying herself on the guitar. A somewhat frantic woman named Danielle Howle sang a song with the Indigo girls also. She has written lots of songs for the performers on this ship. She has a really nice voice.

By the pool we listened to Zac Brown Band. Zac has an amazing voice, a great band, thoughtful lyrics, and a big fat bushy beard. His father was on the cruise with him, which was nice. We got to see half of Kathleen Edwards’ set again, because we knew we would not be able to see her last performance due to another ticketed show at the same time. She played some of the same songs. She also told a great story about how someone had told her that he saw her husband, Colin Cripps, sitting in the kids area of the ship’s buffet restaurant. He said, “The tables were a little small, but I thought that’s where people sit.” It was hilarious. He didn’t notice the tiny corndogs or the grilled cheese in the really short buffet there. She forgot a verse to one song and her husband pointed that out to her. Perhaps he wanted to get back at her for telling the story of the kids buffet. She closed the set with “Your Love” by the Outfield. Unbelievably funny. Her husband was playing the solo and she said, “Do your own. That cheesy eighties crap is the worst.” A really fun performer. Make sure you don’t miss her if she ever comes to your town.

It was off to the Atrium to catch more Vienna Teng. She really is unbelievable.Here she is doing The Last Snowfall from her upcoming album. Hopefully her voice transcends the crappy audio and video. She is looping her breath as the percussion track, and then builds her vocal harmonies with each pass. It's really slick.

On the last song of her set the keyboard started making terrible noises. People refused to leave and so she moved down to the lobby to play on the piano there, but it was locked. Who locks a piano? Like some drunken cruiser is going to get on there and start playing it? Maybe so on this trip, but it would be GOOD because chances are, the person could really play. At any rate, she just had Alex play acoustic guitar and everyone sang along. I really got the impression that she had as much fun as we did. It was a great moment. She even exclaimed at one moment, “This is so awesome!”

In the bathroom I met a guy from Chicago who told a story similar to mine: he’d heard Vienna Teng’s voice and it stopped him in his tracks. At this point I’ve had so many cool moments I am starting to worry I will forget them, or they will lose their intensity. Not all of these moments happened in the bathroom. I was really referring to the performances.

Polly headed down to the room and I went to see Mindy Smith. Her set was a mess. She was under the impression that she needed to fill the time between songs with lots of banter. She tried, but she was so nervous, it came off like a train wreck. The Indigo Girls were there heckling her to “Just play!” She forgot the lyrics to three songs and stopped in the middle. Some people left from the front sections. She said, "Are you leaving? Are you mad at me?" It was endearing, but still a little hard to watch. Went to bed around 12:30.

Of Bubbly, Hand Sanitizer, and the Pearly Gates: February 28, 2009

2009-03-08T14:21:00.006-05:00

We walked out of our hotel to look for a taxi and immediately got whisked into a shuttle and taken to the Port of Miami. There we checked in and signed a paper that said we had not had diarrhea or thrown up in the past 24 hours. They took my word for it. They handed us our tickets for the ticketed shows, our cruise cards (for swiping when you want to buy something). Then, we were aboard the Norwegian Dawn.

When we got on board they gave us a hand sanitizer spray and a glass of champagne. Nothing like free sanitizer and bubbly to make you feel like you're really on vacation.

We got the lay of the land and walked around the ship. The extra-special restaurants (the ones that charge on top of your cruise ticket) had samplers out. I tried some Nigiri sake salmon. It was pretty good, but not worth an extra ten spot. We grabbed a bite at the buffet, where the spinach leaves were hard to reach, and even harder to grasp with the awkward tongs provided.

At 2:30 we got to check into our stateroom. We have some room, since it's just the two of us. John, the ship's cruise director is from Australia. We have been on the boat just two hours and he's already said "crackerjack" four times over the P.A.

At 3:30 it was time for a mandatory lifeboat drill. We carried our lifejackets to the Stardust theater and heard a talk about how to wear our lifejackets, and how there is more capacity on the lifeboats than passengers on board. Good to hear. John Hiatt was right next to me as we put on our lifejackets. I told him I was looking forward to his shows this week. He shook my hand and asked where I was from. He was awfully nice.

As Miami faded into the hazy horizon we headed out to sea. We got to hear Roddie Romero and the Hub City All-Stars, a zydeco band from Lafayette, LA. They played some originals and some zydeco standards, like Buckwheat Zydeco and Professor Longhair. Roddie referred to Eric Adcock, the band's piano player as "Professor Lawn Chair,” a first-time moniker, we learned later at a bar where we met them. Prof. Lawn Chair played a few songs on the piano in the bar. It was a blast.

All over the ship there are stations where you can get hand sanitizer. They also have a staffer at each restaurant entrance with a spray bottle, ready to spray your hands before you eat. It’s a preventative measure, so we don't all get sick. Well, the whole business upset the woman who sat down at the table next to us at dinner She went into full-scale freak out mode. "Have you ever been to a restaurant where they sprayed your hands with hand sanitizer? I am terrified. I'll go without eating. I am afraid of eating ANYTHING on this ship." Her dining companion was trying to calm her down, but ultimately didn't succeed. They left to go someplace else, probably to cower in their stateroom.

In the Spinnaker Lounge we saw Kathleen Edwards play an hour set, which is frankly way too short for my taste. She played a quiet set for the most part, accompanied by her husband. They both played guitar, acoustic and electric, depending on the arrangement. At one point Kathleen paused after trying out a few chords on her electric guitar and said, "I know you're on vacation, but I still have to tune." Then she tuned her guitar. It was a nice moment.

She also said, "I like Bushmills Ten Year if you happen to be going to the bar." After a few more songs no one had bought the poor woman a drink so she said, "Thanks for the whisky, by the way." We all laughed and by the time the next song was done she had three Bushmills, one of which Polly delivered to her husband. She thanked us after the show when we chatted her up.

We saw Marc Broussard play in the evening. He played acoustic, as did his father, who accompanied him. We love his show. He writes country-tinged tunes about family and stuff. It was a nice intimate set. We befriended two funny women from New Orleans, Lee and Rebecca.

As we walked across the atrium on our way to the Pearly Gates (our name for the Pearly Kings, a pub on board) we stopped to hear the band playing in the atrium. My jaw was completely agape as I listened to this woman's voice. Her name was Vienna Teng, and she was remarkable. She had an unbelievably perfect voice. She sounded like a cross between Allison Krauss and Sarah McLachlin. Her accompanist, Alex Wong, played the drums, piano, and the bells. The latter he played while playing the drums at the same time. During one song, "The Last Snowfall," I had tears in my eyes it was so beautiful. It was an incredible performance. I hope to catch her again at one of her other shows.

We could not stay up for Shawn Mullins. We'll catch him on another show, hopefully.

People like to perpetuate the myth that you can’t feel the waves on a big cruise ship. I am here to say you can feel the motion of the ocean. In the middle of the night we woke up to a very creaky room. The wind and the waves had gotten higher in the night. There's a channel on the TV where you can track the location of the ship, the temperature of the pools, and the size of the waves. They were moderate, around 4-7 feet high. Drifting off to sleep, we wondered how big that rogue wave was that capsized the S.S. Poseidon.

Cayamo 2009

2009-03-06T15:05:00.002-06:00

Hey guys,

As you may or may not know, I am on a cruise. It's our last day of the best trip I've ever been on. Sorry Mom and Dad, I loved Mt. Rushmore and Deadwood in 1976, but this was amazing.

i will post some backdated travel notes as soon as I get home. Internet access on the boat is like dial-up, c. 1996.

Peace out, y'all.

The Night Before: February 27, 2009

2009-02-27T23:02:00.003-06:00

We are in Miami, the night before we embark on Cayamo 2009. Cayamo is a cruise which will take us from the Port of Miami to Samana, St. Thomas, Tortola, and Great Stirrup Cay, an island owned by Norwegian Cruise Lines. We'll be aboard the Norwegian Dawn (one of my favorite Beatles songs). Heh.

I found out about the cruise through Pollstar, which operates a service to notify you when your favorite artists update their tour information. I got a message and five or six bands on my notify list said they were all going to be at Cayamo. I wondered what the hell that was. So I checked out the site and signed up within a few weeks.

Aboard the ship with us will be many singer songwriters like John Hiatt, Patty Griffin, Lyle Lovett, Shawn Colvin, Tift Merritt, and Kathleen Edwards. we've never been on a cruise. we don't know what to expect. Will the artists really be on board the ship or will they get off and on from the ports? Will we like the food? Will we break the bank with our drink budget?

Stay tuned. I will answer these questions and more right here.

Your Most Valuable Possession

2009-02-08T19:40:00.001-06:00

From Ben Folds:

Your Most Valuable Possession :
(6:49 a.m, Friday, November 20th)
"Good morning, Mr. Ben.
It's about 6:30 —
Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Um...just laying here in the bed,
half awake, half asleep,
thinking about you.

I was
wondering if you were looking after your
most valuable
possession:
your mind.

I was thinking about
John Glenn,
his space journey and all.

They said that
when you're in space you lose
muscle mass
and the body
mass
and I wondered if there was any
end to it.

Or whether,
if you didn't exercise in space,
how long it would be before you were just
a head, or a mind —
and have no body or arms.
You'd have them but you couldn't use them.

I was wondering if
if your body mass would drop to a certain level,
and then it would stop right there.
And keep whatever you needed to
use your mind
because it would still be working."

(30 seconds remaining)

"Anyway, I was just pondering that.
What do you think about...that?

I hope everything is going alright.
I may well wake up here in a little while
and forget what I was thinking about."

Music Choice FunFacts: James Blunt

2009-01-25T07:51:00.005-06:00

If you have Time Warner Cable, chances are you've listened to their music channels, called Music Choice. One of the interesting things they do on Music Choice is provide trivia on the artists and songs as you listen to them. Here are the things they said about James Blunt whilst his song "1973" played on Adult Alternative (uncensored):

James Blunt's album "Back to Bedlam" came out in 2004
James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" reached #13 on Billbord's Hot 100 Chart in 2005
The word blunt means to make less intense, dull, numb, or insensitive
James Blunt is often seen in public enjoying cucumber sandwiches
James Blunt has been known to sleep in excess of 17 hours per day
"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt is hated by almost everyone
Critics rank James Blunt alongside inexpensive FTD floral arrangements and Sweet'N Low
James Blunt is described on his website as "tender" and "mealy-mouthed"
Experts expect James Blunt to fade into obscurity sometime in late 2012

BlairLake in the News

2009-01-24T13:06:00.003-06:00

From the May 20, 1999 issue of the Wall Street Journal.

Peanut Butter Items Recalled

2009-01-21T16:37:00.003-06:00

Breaking news from Reuters:

The sole source of the U.S. salmonella outbreak involving contaminated peanut butter appears to be the Peanut Corp of America's Blakely, Georgia processing facility, federal officials said on Wednesday.

Here are items made with Peanut Corp's products (listed in order of popularity):

Balk Brand Salted-in-the-Shell Peanuts
Salma 'N' Ella's Peanut Butter Schnapps
Emeril's Peanut Remoulade Sauce
PowerUp Protein Giblets (Peanut Butter flavor)
Omaha Steaks Nu Flavas Brand Fillets w/ Peanut Butter Cream Sauce
Kirkland Brand Mini Nougat Hunks (2-gross pack)
Obese Gourmet Ready-2-Eat Peanut Butter Waffles
Guy Fieri's Nutrageous Ginger Blast (12 oz. size)
Yoplait Nutty Molasses Hot Chocolate Smoothie Nibblers ToGo

If you have any of these items, the FDA suggests you should return them to the store.

George Bush's Note for Barack Obama

2009-01-20T12:51:00.005-06:00

I just found this on Yahoo News:

Keeping a White House tradition, US President George W. Bush left a confidential note in the Oval Office for successor Barack Obama to wish him well as his historic presidency begins.

Here's a copy of the note:

Letter from St. Nick

2008-12-29T09:46:00.010-06:00

A couple of weeks before Christmas, my daughter gave me a letter to mail to Santa Claus. Here is the response she received on Christmas Day.

Friday Dec 12: Divided and Conquered

2008-12-15T15:30:00.004-06:00

Friday morning, up at 9:30. Even so, we still didn’t make it to the Tower until 11:30. Our warder, the charmingly named Dickey Dell, relished his job, and especially liked telling the gory details of the hangings and beheadings that took place there. He mentioned the Norman invasion of 1066. He said it’s been hard, but they’re slowly getting over it. The Tower is the number one tourist attraction in London, and it is a great time. The building itself is awesome, and the beefeaters do a great job.

From there we split up; Amy and Ginny headed to the Cabinet War Rooms, Polly and the kids to Hamley’s Toy Store, and me to Banqueting House and possibly the Elgin marbles, if there was time.

Banqueting House is a wonderful place. It’s used for state dinners now, but it used to be part of the palace used by Charles I. It’s basically a large room, hardwood floors and lots of windows. But the ceiling is the great part. Rubens painted it in 1622. It depicts the connection between God and the King. When Cromwell’s Commonwealth briefly replaced the monarchy, the king walked through that room and led out of a window. There, in front of a huge crowd, they beheaded him. Fittingly enough, the restoration of the monarchy took place there also when both houses of Parliament watched the coronation of Charles II.

I passed by the Horse Guards and snapped a few pictures on my way to the British Museum.

As I walked, I realized I had a rock or something in my shoe. It was kind of big. I sat down in the Great Court and reached into my shoe. What a perfect specimen of the obnoxious American I must have been. I pulled the offending object out of my shoe. It was a one-pound coin. I have no idea how it got in there. It had to have been in there all day. I dropped my smelly pound into one of the museum’s donation boxes.

The British Museum is where they keep the Elgin Marbles, fragments of friezes and statues from the Parthenon. They are quite controversial because Lord Elgin went down to Athens and basically stole these pieces. He paid some paltry amount and then they loaded them all up on a ship and brought them to London. They don’t really feel too bad about it, a pamphlet from the museum said, because “experts agree, it would not be possible to reattach them to the original structure.”

They are quite cool. The friezes depict a procession of peasants and civic dignitaries approaching the Gods, who are seated on thrones. Lots of horses and livestock, too. The marbles inspired many British poets, including Keats and Casement, who mentioned the ox lowing to the moon.

I returned to the flat in time to shower and head out with Polly for dinner. We went to a French place called “Le Cercle.” It had no sign except for its name etched on the tiny sliding glass front door. We went down a twisting staircase to the warm dining room. I told Polly each dish was so good it almost made me cry. I had poached cod, beef tartare, and pate. Each course had wine with it; and they were all fantastic.

We stopped off for a pint at the Tea Clipper and called it a night. It was a great day, our last in Jolly Old England.

Thursday Dec. 11: A Matter of Moments

2008-12-15T14:48:00.003-06:00

Up at 9:30, I headed out to do a little grocery shopping. I went to Jack O’Shea’s, fine butchers since 1790. I asked for bacon and the fellow behind the counter started grabbing some pork chops. I had to specify the strips of “streaky bacon” as it was labeled. One other crazy difference between them and us? They don’t refrigerate their eggs there. They just have the cardboard containers sitting stacked up on the counter. I fixed breakfast for the kids and we all lived, so maybe they're on to something over there.

After eating we headed out to catch a Big Bus Company hop-on/hop-off bus tour. It took us around town to all of the sites. It was a nice way to see all of the spots we might not have time to visit. A fellow named Ian was the live guide aboard the bus.
We sat up top where part of it was covered and the back half open. Ian was filled with fun facts and a few puns. He kept asking Virginia questions she was too shy to answer. At one point he asked Frank to sing London Bridge for the whole bus. He declined. He had the driver stop at an unscheduled spot so we could see the London Eye framing Big Ben. Despite Ian’s build up, it was slightly underwhelming.

Some people hopped off the bus and Virginia and I got the plum seat, right in the front row. It was a great vantage point from which to see a pedestrian come within one foot of being killed as he stepped right out in front of the bus. “Ah,” Ian said, “we’re just in time to kill this chap!” The guy spotted the big red bus bearing down on him at the last moment, just in time to leap back on the sidewalk. Guess it wasn’t his time to go.

In restrospect, I would have done the bus tour on the first full day we were in town. It is a great way to get your bearings on the first day whilest recovering from jet lag.

After two hours of Ian we arrived at the Tower of London and headed off the bus to go inside. We stopped at a restaurant called EAT. It took us forever to get our food ordered and get it eaten and get out of there. EAT was more like DAWDLE.

When we got to the ticket office, the woman told us that the last warder-led tour had already started out and the place was closing down. We had just missed our chance. So we got on the next bus and headed to Westminster Abbey, which we learned had just closed its doors to new visitors a matter of minutes earlier. Everything conspired against us and our touristy exploits!

We walked along the Thames at dusk, and got to see a nearly full moon emerge from the clouds right behind the London Eye. That was pretty cool.

We went to bed early, knowing we had just one more day to cram in everything else we wanted to do. We didn’t go to the Tea Clipper that night. We didn’t feel like we deserved it.

Wednesday Dec. 10: The French fries taste like blood.

2008-12-14T16:28:00.006-06:00

Wednesday morning we got up at 9:45, continuing our trend to adjust to the time change. We had breakfast at the Brompton Quarter Café. I ordered the kids pain au chocolate, and you should have seen their faces when they got to the chocolate center. Frank could not have been happier. Chocolate for breakfast! But the rest proved a little too fancy for the kids. The pancakes were more like crepes, and they put honey on it instead of syrup. The kids did not like these changes to one of their favorite dishes. We grownups loved our food. I had a traditional English breakfast: eggs, sausages, bacon, a baked tomato, and baked beans; quite yummy.

After we left the International House of Eschewed Crepes, we headed back to Hyde Park for more fun at the Winter Wonderland. This time Virginia, Frank, and I did the Ferris wheel. Because the midweek crowds were light, they let us go around three times. It was an amazing view of the park and the London skyline from a different vantage point.

Graham and Frank partook of the bungee jump experience where they each got hooked up in a harness and bounced 15 feet in the air. They loved it. As usual we were running late, so we hopped on the tube and after a couple of train changes we headed to Camden in Regent’s Park. We grabbed some sandwiches at Fresh & Wild, the British incarnation of Whole Foods.

We headed to BADA, where Polly’s niece Ellen has been studying all term in the drama program. Her performance on the next Thursday night would be the culmination of her work, and was the impetus for us to take this trip. We were privileged to see a rehearsal, since the kids weren’t coming to the actual performance. The show was Shakespeare’s King Lear (a “real upper,” as Ellen described it), and they did the final act for us. Ellen’s director instructed my kids: if something’s funny, you can laugh; if something’s sad, you can cry; and if it’s boring, you can leave. It wasn’t boring. You may not have studied King Lear in a while, but it includes the gouging out of eyes, stabbings, and poisonings. This rehearsal included lots of fake blood in small plastic packets. It was really great. Frank watched it all with great interest except for when two of the characters kissed. For that he had to cover his eyes.

We had a look at Piccadilly Circus. The kids liked the lighted signs and all the hustle and bustle. We walked down to the Sherlock Holmes pub near the Embankment tube stop. The kids had sparkling apple juice and a bowl of chips. Graham said he liked the juice, but not the bubbles. Although Frank loves French fries, he didn’t eat the ones at the Sherlock Holmes because he said they tasted like blood, a reference to the ketchup, and King Lear, I assume.

That night we went back to the Tea Clipper, where we met a wonderful bartender who was quite amused to hear our tale of ruining the kettle, and told us where to buy it. But she really liked finding out that her colleague the night before had to clean out three taps. “That’s brilliant!” she kept saying. They let Polly ring the bell for last call at 23:00.

Tuesday: The Day All Three Lines Went Down at Once

2008-12-11T15:45:00.007-06:00

I woke up at 10:00 today; my glacial recovery from jet lag continues. We seemed to always have trouble gauging how long it takes to get anyplace in London. It takes an hour to get anywhere. You spend half of your time waiting for a crosswalk signal to turn green.

We went to the Winter Wonderland, an outdoor carnival of sorts, at Hyde Park. It had everything: rides, food, and, as a sign proclaimed, "German's Beer."

Graham wanted to do the Ferris wheel and Virginia did a ride where you sat in a chair suspended by chains as it spun around and around. Frank sat on a small motorcycle on a carousel. Frank and Virginia went into a haunted mansion, inexplicably decorated for Christmas. It was 6 pounds and could not have lasted more than two minutes. We had not left enough time to do any more, but vowed to come back the next day. We did not have time to take the tube so we hailed a classic London taxi and headed to the National Gallery.

From the computer room we plotted a course through the museum where the kids would get to see monsters. But even Perseus turning Phineas to stone was not enough to keep a five and seven year old interested. We caught a few Van Gogh painting, a Seurat and some work by Monet before ducking out. I was sorry to go.

Outside the National Gallery, the boys ran around and took photos of the Christmas Tree. Then we crossed the street to go to St. Martins in the Fields to do a little brass rubbing. The boys loved this. Basically they wrap black paper over a brass etching, and then the boys rubbed a colored crayon sort of thing over it to make an impression of it. We then had dinner in the Crypt Cafe. This is in the basement of St. Martin in the Fields. It was a tad macabre. While we were there some fellow abandoned his tray of food before paying. It was strange. Perhaps he got spooked at the idea of eating soup and drinking a beer on a floor made of the gravestones of church members from the 1800s. Creepily delicious!

After dinner we headed back out to Trafalgar Square where they have caroling under the Norwegian Christmas Tree, given to England every year as thanks for keeping the Royal Family of Norway safe during WWII. The groups that sing are volunteers, mostly raising money for a cause they support.

After the kids went to bed, Polly and I left her sister and mom with the kids while we went to try out the pub around the corner, the Tea Clipper. We walked in and everyone was watching the TV right above the door. We were attracted to the place immediately for its neighborhood feel and friendly staff. It had a real Christmas tree in the corner. nice.

It was filled with men, hitting the pub on their way home from work, it appeared. They came in to watch the soccer game. When it was over, they all bailed out. We chatted up the bartender, who was not in the best spirits, because all three of the ale lines went dry at the same time. Apparently when that happens, you have to pull the tap to fill 15 pitchers with water, 5 pitchers of line cleaning solution, and then 15 pitchers of water. He then had to repeat that process three times. And then the 22:00 rush hit. Eighteen kids showed up at once and all got carded. You can drink beer and cider at 18 here. The bartender hurriedly filled pitchers of water and orders. At one point he exclaimed to his co-worker, "You help these people. My bloody arm's about to fall off."

Polly and I shared a shot of Laphroaig, a delicious single malt scotch. Then we called it a night after I got to try out the tap.

When they rang the bell for last call, I could tell the bartender was relieved, even though he had two more lines to clear.

And then off to bed, closing out our most successful day of touring.

Monday: "I Just Kept Thinking of Falling"

2008-12-11T15:07:00.005-06:00

Cheval Place is a very small 2-block street in Knightsbridge. It's cobblestone, and dead ends to the west of our flat. It is home to a couple of Indian restaurants, a few hair salons and two or three dress shops. The dress shops are called dress agencies. Apparently some of the dresses require representation. One of the shops is right across the street from our flat, and we can see it through the window in our kitchen. One of the favorite pastimes of Graham and Frank is to watch the mannequins be dressed in the window. The shop employees must have noticed this, because later in the week they began to pull down a shade as they dressed them. That is British modesty to an extreme.

Monday morning is trash day on Cheval Place. Early in the morning (felt like 3:00 AM to me), several trash dumspters were noisily lifted by a trash truck, violently shaken, and then replaced wherever they are hidden off of the street. I kept thinking it would stop, but it just kept on going on and on. I persevered in my quest for oversleeping, and slept in until 11:00. Better than the day before, but hardly adjusted. Polly's mom says we'll be perfectly attuned to Greenwich time when it is time to go home on Saturday.

Our first full day (sic) of sightseeing began with a tube trip to Westminster. It's a great tube stop because when you emerge you see Parliament, Big Ben (well, the clock that houses Big Ben), and Westminster Abbey. We crossed Westminster bridge on foot to the London Eye. This is a new attraction since I was last in London, and it is great. An incredible view of the city. I could see St. Paul's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey, the Thames... everything from a wonderfully high vantage point. I asked Virginia if she enjoyed the London Eye, and she said, "Sort of. I just kept thinking of falling."

From here we took the excellent advice of Michael Boxser, a friend of Fowler Jones, and took a Thames Clipper boat ride up the Thames. They have a bar on board and I had a Stella Artois as we cruised up to Greenwich. We didn't make it to the O2, London's new entertainment district and performing arts venue. Instead we ate at a pub.

We drank wine at the flat and turned in, hoping every day wasn't trash day on Cheval Place.

Jet Lag claims three casualties

2008-12-08T06:38:00.008-06:00

The first casualty jet lag claimed was the day. We were not up and moving until 14:30. As my friend Fowler said, "In bed at 3:00, up at noon? It's like college!"

Amy, Polly's sister, arrived in the morning and had a little rest. I got up at 12:30 and was the first in the house to rise. Everyone was moving a little slowly.

I was ready to hit the touristy stuff. When I came out of the shower it smelled a little like something was burning. I worried either that someone had placed something on one of the radiators, or that one of the heated towel racks (a mysterious staple in every bathroom) had overheated a towel. When I entered the kitchen, I saw that a thick acrid smoke hung in the air there. That's when I learned my wife had decided to make coffee and had placed the coffee pot on the big burner and cranked it up to high. But it was an electric coffee pot, and the rubber bottom melted completely. Thankfully, it did not catch fire, and we were not forced to use the fire blanket, conveniently hanging on the wall. The coffee pot was the second casualty of the day.

We decided to walk around and get an idea for what the neighborhood was like. We are staying in Knightsbridge, near Harrod's department store. After a short walk I suggested we see what this store was like inside, despite my dislike for shopping.

The place was a complete zoo. Hundreds of people were storming around and all of them wanted to walk wherever I was walking. We placated the kids with the purchase of truffles (I got a salted caramel truffle... yum). Our party became separated and we realized how much we rely on cell phones for simple logistical reasons. That's because we have but one working phone among all of us. Which is a lot like having no working phones among us, because I have no one to call, and no one can call me. They call cell phones carphones here. And they use them on the left side of the head. Crazy.

We went to the toy demonstration area, where they show the hottest toys. Those included a remote controlled UFO, a radio controlled flippin' rat, and make-your-own snow, a mysterious white substance that turned into cool-to-the-touch snow when you added water. Graham was not happy we would not purchase a toy for him. "Why'd you bring me here if you weren't going to buy me anything?" Meet jet-lag's third casualty: my son's pleasant personality.

By the time everyone reconnoitered at the flat, it was time for dinner. I had managed to call Ellen, my niece who is here as part of a drama program run through USC, where she attends college. She's the reason we came to London, as she finishes up her coursework this week in a culminating performance of King Lear later this week. so we met up with her and went to Wagamama.

After a dinner of noodles, edamame, and vanilla ice cream with toffee sauce, we went home and the kids sacked out. Ellen headed back to her flat, and the missus and I went to Bunch of Grapes, a pub in Knightsbridge.

After a couple of ales and lagers, we headed home and in a stupor, cleaned the melted rubber off of the burner in our flat. The evidence gone, we decided we had to find a kettle to replace the one we'd ruined. But now it was time for bed. And we slept blissfully until the garbage trucks came to Cheval Place.

London Travelogue 6 Dec. 2008

2008-12-07T08:17:00.005-06:00

Our day of travel began at 3:00 AM, when we woke up to hurriedly get dressed and out the door to the airport for at 6:25 AM flight to Chicago.

We flew American Airlines. The flight from Chicago to London Heathrow aboard a Boeing 777 was practically empty. My guess is that it seated 400 people and there were maybe 60 people on board. We flew coach.

Each seat had its own video screen and remote, something that delighted the kids. Frank was so excited he said, "This is the awesomest day ever." He confirmed his preternatural gift for hyperbole when, as his video screen appeared to malfunction, he said the day had turned to "the worst day ever."

I do the same thing; if something exceeds my expectations, I'm thrilled. When it doesn't deliver, I'm pissed.

I enjoyed watching the flight path channel, an episode of MadMen from season 1, and a little blackjack. My wife played a game called Caveman Crunch, a PacMan knockoff with a man who goes around eating woolly mammoth tusks instead of fruit. She played and played, progressing in the levels of the game, but getting more and frustrated. We've all played games like that, ones you work and work to master and then you suddenly realize they are not even fun.

We made it to the apartment at 23:30 (that's British time).

There was a small electrical issue when my wife's breast pump did not take a liking to the British power grid. It went into overdrive and the power supply started smoking. I think I remember reading they used a version of this souped-up device in Abu Ghraib. Since we arrived late, all of the pubs and convenience stores were closed. Luckily my forward-thinking wife brought us a pint of Glenlivet, which I drank with her and her mother after we put the kids to bed. We sacked out around 3:00 AM.

Do you love wax?

2008-12-03T21:59:00.005-06:00

Do you plan to visit Hong Kong, Amsterdam, London, New York, or Las Vegas in the near future? Do you LOVE Nicholas Cage, Bob Marley, Babe Ruth, Lucy, and/or the Dalai Lama?? Then this coupon I found in the DVD for the Mummy Returns that I bought 6 years ago is for you!

Let me know via comment below if you want the full coupon, from which I took the above image. It offers 2 for 1 to any Madame Tussaud's wax museum.

Worst Diet Banner Ever

2008-11-14T08:53:00.005-06:00

So I happened across this diet banner while cruising the intertubes superhighway.

A little advice, people: stay away from any diet that reduces the melanin along with the weight.

Is it possible that the person designing this banner included another before picture instead of an after? What other excuse is there for that not-so-FAB picture? Perhaps the designer was fooled by the slimming horizontal stripes.

Least Popular Videogames & Accessories for Christmas 2008

2008-11-13T08:19:00.003-06:00

Zither Hero
My Simps
Call of Duty II: Battle for the Sewers of the European Theater
World of Warcraft McCain/Palin Expansion Pack
Ms. Pacman Jones
Grand Theft Auto V: Prop 8 Riot Edition
WiiShit

The Historic Announcement

2008-11-05T15:55:00.004-06:00

I was so excited, I could barely stand it. Here I was, on a historical night, watching the coverage to see whether my guy would rise up within his community and be our next leader . Would it be a vote for bold, fresh change? Would it be a clean start? A fresh look through the clear glass of youth?

The answer? YES! That's right, folks. The people have spoken, and Captain Scrubby will now serve as the tourism ambassador of the year.

(Hat tip: Best of the Web)

ChuxxBlog: A Headline Ripped from the Archives of Bobby and the Chuxx

2008-10-21T08:47:00.001-05:00

ChuxxBlog: A Headline Ripped from the Archives of Bobby and the Chuxx

Here's a post I made to the blog for Bobby and the Chuxx.

No shrimp were harmed in the posting of this blog post about a post on another blog.

The Age of the Wry Face

2008-10-14T20:33:00.005-05:00

In the course of human development, exactly when do you reach the age when you can make wry faces? Here's the face that Henry, who will be 4 in a few days, came up with on his own. He is clearly advanced and gifted.

Cleanse the Oprah Way

2008-10-10T15:07:00.005-05:00

In my search for the worst banner ads in the world, I came across this one for Oprahs (sic) Acai Berry Diet. I like the copy at the bottom. Why bother having it make sense when you can just spew words out? And speaking of spewing, I don't want anything to do with a diet that is proud of its ability to "flush pounds." Ew. I've been on that diet and it is not fun. Picked it up from one of the kids who got it at school. The price was right, though.

My friend Jeff asked it there was some apparatus involved. We discussed the idea of "inflow" tube to deliver the acai berry concentrate and an "outflow" tube to be placed in the toilet. He wondered if they had a warning not to confuse the two tubes. I told him that acai berry is an irritant if applied topically. He asked me if that was true and I said, "I don't think so."

A Threatening Note from Virginia

2008-10-05T09:20:00.002-05:00

We constantly disagree with our kids over the amount of time we allow them to watch TV or play video games. Most recently, we came up with the rule that they could not watch TV after 7:00 PM. We felt they got churlish right before bed when we let them watch right up until bedtime. That did not sit too well with our 7 year old, Virginia. So she left us this note, signed by her, Graham, and Frank. Henry did not sign because he was already asleep. Russell did not sign because he cannot write.

This is YOU!

2008-09-23T14:01:00.006-05:00

When you create an advertisement, perhaps a banner on Facebook, for instance, you have numerous decisions to make. What is your main selling message? How will you best communicate it? Things like that. If you're going to sell an image, you might decide whether you're going to show the image your product or service will create, something perhaps that your audience might aspire to be. This is usually a depiction of how your target audience might like to see themselves.

Or you can show them an obvious message: This is you as you are, and you should gross yourself out.

This image shows you how the latter is done:

Photo of Palin's Email Hacker

2008-09-21T17:05:00.005-05:00

I was just cruising around the information superhighway when I hit this speed bump: a picture of who I believe is the young man who hacked Sarah Palin's email account.

It has to be him. Look at him there, trying to hide his identity with that Unabomber hoodie, hunched over the keyboard of his laptop so those around him in that white room won't see all of the illegal things he's doing. He should be ashamed.

Close the books on this one, FBI. I found your man.

This is the NFL

2008-09-21T16:56:00.002-05:00

While watching the NFL today, my son Graham said, "The Chiefs are not very good at football."

How true.

2008-09-19T10:24:00.002-05:00

If you have never read the Web Scout blog from the L.A. Times, you should. Here's a great post regarding the new season of online-only shows.

Overheard at the RNC

2008-09-04T20:46:00.002-05:00

Overheard on the headsets during the broadcast of the Republican National Convention:

Director: Camera two, get me a shot of a minority, one of the delegates.

(Pause)

Director: Are women minorities, Camera two? Last I heard we were about 50/50. Get me a minority.

Director: Hey you there, the guy with the clipboard.

Producer: (indistinguishable)

Director: Yes, I know you have a name, young man. I just don't care enough to remember it. Answer me, haven't we shown that African American guy before, the one in the POW hat?

Producer: (indistinguishable)

Director: I thought so. All right Camera two, the guy in the eye patch will have to do. Listen, Clipboard, in 2012 I want some minorities I can put on the screen. Get me?

The Anthropomorphism of What Ails You

2008-08-30T16:40:00.004-05:00

In the past, they used to anthropomorphize drugs. To wit: Speedy the Alka-Seltzer guy. He would come out and sing about how he could settle your stomach.

Now drug companies have mascots representing the ailment that their drug treats.

As far as I remember, Digger the Dermatophyte was first, in those awfully disturbing ads for Lamisil. Pictured is the worst part of the ad when he lifts up that toenail like a trap door so he could crawl underneath. Look closely at him; it looks like he has some kind of purple fungus on his back. Perhaps he needs to ask his doctor about it. He also has sharp teeth for gnawing on your nails.

Now we have a little glob of mucus named Mr. Mucus. Apparently he's married now. I guess he and Mrs. Mucus met in someone's sinus cavity. That's where I used to go meet girls.

A woman has made a felt stuffie (!?) out of a monster she claims was on a Pepto Bismol commercial. I couldn't find any mention of it any place else on the interwebs, though I did find this tasteless little number.

I am waiting for Senor Herpes, a little hairy man in a sombrero with cold sores. Or perhaps we could someday meet Jacques Itch (oh no I didn't!).

Terms of Art

2008-08-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

I was at the dermatologist (I had two moles removed, nosey) earlier this week and I saw a little card pushing some kind of skin treatment for people with red spots on their face. There were the obligatory two photos, one of a woman's cheek with lots of blemishes, the second one 90% cleared up. It said the drug treated "aesthetic suffering." I love that term. It could also apply to ugly people.

"I feel so sorry for him. He's got that aesthetic suffering."

The term reminded me of one I heard on an infomercial for Lasting Kiss lipstick a number of years ago. MASH star and foie gras objector Loretta Switt and Tracey Bregman Recht (who?) hosted it. The whole infomercial was shot with a soft filter on the lens. Anyhoo, this "Lasting Kiss" business was a two step process. First you put on the lipstick, and then you applied a "sealer." There was lots of drinking from white coffee mugs ("See, no smudges!") and talk of their significant others ("My husband kisses me every morning before he goes to work!"). The "expert" character on the infomercial said that the lipstick and the sealer were "cosmetically dependent," and that this dependence is what made Lasting Kiss so terrific.

Cosmetically dependent! Sounds like the spouse of a woman addicted to mascara. I guess that would be a cosmetic co-dependent.

Copywriters are so shameless in the creation of new terms to make the product they're shilling sound more scientific. I should know. I am a copywriter on occasion.

A Terrible Commercial

2008-08-27T12:39:00.005-05:00

Have you seen this commercial with the twins having a barbecue in a TV studio? If not, here it is.

Does anyone know why this commercial was created? What is the appeal? What made them decide to air this commercial over, say, dead air for 30 seconds?

Who cares if these two fellows are twins? While we're at it, are they actually twins? I kept wondering, if they're twins, why don't they look more alike? Then I wondered if perhaps they used some tricky digital hooha to make the same guy appear as both brothers. Then I thought, why would you bother with all that when you could actually hire real twins? Lalawood is crawling with "acting" twins. With the money they'd save on the digital effects they could have afforded to shoot outside instead of in front of the cyclorama in front of the cyclorama in the studio of Kansas City's FOX affiliate. And what gives with him calling it "incinerating?" He hasn't lit it yet. What makes pouring lighter fluid on charcoal incinerating? Then I thought, if I'm thinking about all this, I am certainly NOT thinking about Boston Market's barbecue menu.

Doesn anyone have any idea what it all means?

People Get Ready

2008-08-20T12:10:00.002-05:00

Hey guys, great news. Everything's going to be okay starting Friday evening!

Thanks for the ice cream!

2008-08-06T15:55:00.003-05:00

As much as I love facebook, I get confused by some of the notifications. You know the ones:
"Gary sends you good kharma."

"Mary sent you a Jager Bomb."

"Malcolm has prepared an ice cream sundae for you."

What does it mean? How am I supposed to react? I love ice cream sundaes and Jager bombs (I don't love Jager bombs), but a virtual one doesn't do much for me.

Part of the appeal of a social networking site is that I don't have to buy people drinks as if we were at a bar. And does it really have to cost ten cents to send someone good karma? Capitalizing on karma brings bad karma, I think.

Perhaps we need some negative notifications.

"Eugenia sent you a flaming bag of dog excrement."

"Barry has given you herpes."

"Jeff has sent you his kidney, but he doesn't expect you to reply in kind. That's just the kind of person you are."

There could be lots of money in letting people be virtual bastards, martyrs, or guilt-mongers. Think of it as a chance to make some money doing the things you do in person for free.

The Funny Lawn Care Fellow of facebook

2008-07-30T14:35:00.007-05:00

I saw this ad on facebook this morning and it caught my attention so forcefully that I had to copy it and put it here.

First off, could he not really have come up with a more interesting name than "The Lawn Coach?" How about "Snappy the Lawn Jockey" or "The Nut Grass Nut-Job." The name he has might work if he at least looked irreverent or off-kilter. I don't know, perhaps his shirt could say something like, "I whack more than weeds," or (hold on to your boots for this one) instead of an arrow through his head it could look like he has a mower blade wedged in his skull. Something off-kilter like that. Anything would be better than him grimacing in his white crew neck undershirt.

And just exactly how irreverent is this lawn care advice going to be? "Wait 'til you hear his bit on mulching. You're gonna die!"

One more thing, we should all be clear that the irreverent advice offered applies only to home lawns. Don't click the link expecting to see some humorous take on mowing parking lot islands or core aerating football fields.

What's a Nee Nee For?

2008-07-27T09:13:00.003-05:00

Saturday night my wife and I were discussing the purchase of a gift for a birthday party happening the next day. I went to the Interwebs and looked up the hours for a local toy store. I told her they were open from noon to four. She asked me to repeat what I said and I did.

From her perspective, I entered the room and said "Nee nee for." The misunderstanding resulted in the following exchange:

Me: "Nee nee for."

Her: "What did you say?"

Me: "Nee nee for."

Her: "What's a nee nee for?"

Me: "I think you know. I mean, you've had five children!"

The Case of the Mysterious White Powder

2008-07-17T20:55:00.005-05:00

A small white packet containing a mysterious white powder has appeared in our kitchen. You can see it in the picture there, behind the roll of paper towels.

The packet is an envelope, kind of like the ones you get your cash back in when you go through the bank drive-thru.

For all I know, it's also similar to the packet in which people deliver crystal meth. What about cocaine? Do they deliver it in envelopes or is it so commercialized now that itcomes in a tube like Pixie Sticks?

We have a lot of people through our house. Why, jut in the past 5 days we've had two women who help us with the kids, a plumber (twice), the fellow refinishing part of our basement offices, three missionaries, two gents who helped set up a rented inflatable water slide, three folks who help us keep the place clean, an appliance repair man, a travelling saleman hawking "Tuf Job" cleaner, and a dance instructor. Okay, I made up some of those. You have to guess which ones. The point is, we have a lot of people who come through our house, and any of them could have left it there.

Perhaps it is a plant and some kind of theatrical raid will go down late one night. Perhaps a dirty cop played by Willem Defoe will hold the envelope up in a gloved hand, waving it under my nose. "And what do we have here?" he'll ask.

One of the other dirty cops will grab my arms and hold them behind my back. "I've never seen that before in my life," I'll say.

"We'll see about that down at headquarters," Willem will say. "Yes, Mr. Ruh-va-ray, we'll see about that."

The envelope is a little dirty. I splattered chocolate Silk all over the place in a hilarious hand mixer incident. That's another hilarious (not hilarious) item for some future post. You can see little chocolate droplets on the paper towels and back by the outlet. I discovered the envelope while cleaning up after that mishap. There is a lot of powder in there, like 1/3 of a cup.

Perhaps I should taste it. It is in the kitchen, so chances are it's food. But what if it's some kind of drug? Does acid come in a convenient powder form? I'd take some and smear it on my gums, only to lapse into some kind of permanent hallucinogenic fit, leaving my wife and 5 children behind to feed me malt-o-meal while I rant about "The butterflies, my God, the butterflies."

I guess I'll start asking around tomorrow. Perhaps one of the 40 people parading through my home will have some answers for me. Until then, if you have any tips, please leave them in the comment section.

Disturbing Photo

2008-07-14T16:48:00.002-05:00

Check out the disturbing picture I just found on EOntarioNow. It comes alongside an article about how a protstate drug can help prevent bone loss in men. What on earth is that?

It might be a doorbell. I'd love to have one of those right next to the front door. Put on your gloves and ring the bell.

Barack, Our Savior!

2008-07-09T09:54:00.003-05:00

Wall-E

2008-06-27T19:31:00.004-05:00

I will take the kids to go see Wall-E, as I will any Pixar film.

Here is a well-considered piece of criticism from the Washington Post. Pay attention to the conflicted feelings the reviewer goes through. It'll make you want to give up reading Entertainment Weekly reviews forever.

Some wonderful poetry

2008-06-26T14:55:00.001-05:00

From the band Survivor:

HIGH ON YOU

There you stood, that'll teach ya
To look so good and feel so right
Let me tell you 'bout the girl I met last night
It's understood, I had to reach ya

I let the wheel of fortune spin
I touched your hand before the crowd
Started crushin' in
Now I'm higher than a kite
I know I'm gettin' hooked on your love
Talkin' to myself, runnin' in the heat
Beggin' for your touch in the middle
Of the street and I --

*I can't stop thinking 'bout you girl
I must be living in a fantasy world
I've searched the whole world over
To find a heart so true
Such complete intoxication
I'm high on you*

Smart and coy, a little crazy
The kinda face that starts a fight
Let me tell you 'bout the girl I had last night
Piercin' eyes, like a raven

You seemed to share my secret sin
We were high before the night
Started kickin' in
Now I'm screamin' in the night
I know I'm gettin' hooked on your love
Talkin' to myself, runnin' in the heat
Beggin' for your touch in the middle
Of the street and I --
( * Repeat)

Boston Baked Beans

2008-06-24T16:44:00.005-05:00

I was just chatting about candy with a friend and she brought up Boston Baked Beans. Who on earth would want a candy modeled after baked beans? Beans are not something kids just automatically enjoy, like, say, grapes.

My friend says she is haunted by Boston Baked Beans (the candy). I recall liking them, and occasionally buying them at the 7-Eleven at 89th and Roe when I would ride my bike up there. I have not tried them in a long time. I wonder if they are any good. I would go over to 89th and Roe right now and buy some, but instead of a 7-Eleven, that retail space is now occupied by the Cremation Society of Kansas City. I'm not sure what that is. Possibly it's some kind of social club. Perhaps they get together for cotillion dances.

My next big idea is to create a candy based on German Potato salad.

Further reading:
Official Ferrara Pan site for Boston Baked Beans

2008-05-27T17:02:00.003-05:00

You can see all of Carmen and Elektra here.

2008-05-18T20:25:00.002-05:00

My daughter just made my day. It had been a little trying, since I was in charge of all 5 kids for the afternoon by myself. Not that big of a deal. Tonight when I tucked my daughter in she demanded a goodnight hug as I was about to leave her room.

"I will always give you a hug when you ask for one," I said. "Will you always accept a hug when I want to give one?"

"Sure," she said. "Even if my favorite show is coming on, I'll take a hug."

How can you ask for anything more?

Get Your Tickets Now!

2008-05-06T14:33:00.004-05:00

I will be performing my one-man show "Can I Take My Margarita and Chips to Heaven?" at The Gold Buffet in Kansas City, Missouri, 5:30 PM nightly through next Thursday.

Admission is $14.99, and includes the show, side salad, dinner roll, open-faced roast beef sandwich*, choice of starch, and chocolate pudding.

Picture: Jeffrey Drake

*Gravy available at an additional charge of $1.99.

Biting One's Tongue

2008-05-06T07:16:00.001-05:00

My son Graham bit the hell out of his tongues at breakfast yesterday. He stuck it out and asked if it was bleeding. It was, so he asked for a band-aid. It really affected me. How gross would it be to have a band-aid on your tongue?

Introducing Frank as The Stain

2008-04-07T19:12:00.001-05:00

2008-02-23T22:23:00.001-06:00

The chiefs have an official rock provider. Isn't that a little strange? I guess perhaps they make the running backs train with rocks in their Under Armor. They stopped letting them say "Official Beer Provider for the NFL." Now they say something completely neutered, like "Official Brewed Beverage Enjoyed During the Games of the NFL."

There's a radio morning show in KC on Mix 93 called Clap Girl and the Bastard. Now that I look at that, I may have the name of the show wrong. Anyway, I heard them say that jewelry for the show was provided by a local jeweler. Jewelry? For a radio show?? "Listen to that tinkling charm bracelet on Clap Girl's wrist. I must go see the selection at Jimmy's Fine Diamond-Teria."

Other options:

Wardrobe for closed captioning staff provided by Botany 500
Official Transfat Provider for the U.S. Olympic Swim Team
Bladder Control Products for Regis Philbin generously provided by Depends in exchange for this promotional announcement

Dr. Frank

2008-02-23T09:39:00.004-06:00

My son Frank, who is 5, had to get six shots at a checkup earlier this week. Then they poked a hole in his finger and scraped blood into a small vial. Then they needed some more information so he had to go back in yesterday. When we walked in he saw the same nurse who had given him his shots the day before.

"You again?" he asked, to the delight of the rest of the staff.

Then while they were inserting the needle in his vein (on the second try), he said, "I want to hurt people. I'm going to be a doctor."

Like a Blow to the Solar Plexus

2008-02-21T10:23:00.004-06:00

I can now add references to the solar plexus as a new cliche to look out for in my writing. Writers commonly refer to the solar plexus when describing a fight or some kind of physical struggle. I always thought is was synonymous with your breast bone or your chest. But it turns out it's a bundle of nerves behind your stomach. Here's a primer with more information, describing its popular use as meaning the "pit of the stomach." I don't like the usage of solar plexus because its unnecessarily long. I defer to George Orwell's excellent essay "Politics and the English Language" when he says, "Never us a long word where a short one will do."

So you can keep up with this topic, Bookgasm records references to the solar plexus in literature on their Solar Plexus Watch.

2008-02-20T12:00:00.001-06:00

Four Dead in Violent Pillow Fight

2008-02-18T11:39:00.003-06:00

More Raw Milk Stories

Boston Farm illegally sells Raw Milk (The Republican. Boston: Feb 15, 2008.)

Is raw milk right for you? (The Epoch Times. Los Angeles: Feb 8, 2008.)

2008-02-18T11:38:00.001-06:00

I was just putting something on for the kids to watch when I caught an ad about 1/3 of the way in. It features two women, aged 50 or so. One of them wears a boa, the other very bright workout clothes. They laugh so hard they can't speak. Then the voiceover says, "Small bladder leaks are a part of life for all of us."

Don't you love it when it's like a commercial speaks directly to you?

2008-01-29T08:54:00.001-06:00

People are always asking me, "Steve, tell us what blogs you read?"

Here's a short list. I'll add more later.

An Aquarium Drunkard - A great music blog on singer/songwriters and alt.country
Fowler Jones
Wendy Molyneux
Jeff Drake
Alison Rosen (I wish she were a friend, but she's a friend of a friend)

Okay, so no one has ever asked me what blogs I read. But since blogging is an exercise in narccicism for me, I thought I'd go ahead and post this anyway. It's about the other blogs, really.

2008-01-24T09:08:00.001-06:00

A couple of my favorite bits from the archives of the Onion:

Well, Well, Well, If It Isn't a Family-Owned Retailer

Clinton Holds Summit with Magic Turtle

2008-01-22T08:46:00.000-06:00

My son asked how come we didn't celebrate more on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

He reasoned that it was, after all, a holiday.

"What kind of celebrating did you have in mind?"

"Watch more TV," he said.

2008-01-20T09:22:00.000-06:00

My six-year-old son was named Karate "Student of the Year" for his age group in last night. He is very enthusiastic about his Karate practice, and he was able to complete the main objective with ease: kill another student with your bare hands. Congratulations, Graham!

2008-01-20T08:01:00.001-06:00

More stories about raw milk...
"I realised something was up when the queues in my local farmers' market - in London's Queen's Park - started bulking up beside the milk van."
Article about the rising popularity of raw milk in London
(London Telegraph, Jan 18, 2008)

"Just two weeks after new restrictions on raw milk took effect, the Assembly Agriculture Committee voted unanimously this week to repeal them."
Article about the California state laws on bacterial content in milk
(Sacramento Bee, Jan 19, 2008)

2008-01-15T18:43:00.001-06:00

The Seattle Post reports that a Seattle dairy has recalled a batch of raw milk after 5 people came down sick with campylobacter jejuni.

I had that bug once in college and it was not a pretty sight. Some of you may have heard me tell of the experience in what I call my 'Dark & Foul-Smelling Story.'

2008-01-12T09:55:00.001-06:00

Recent dispatches from the front lines of the battle over raw milk and raw milk cheese:

"I know it's illegal, but that doesn't mean it's wrong."
A story on the Illegal milk trade in a Brooklyn neighborhood
(New York Daily News: Jan. 8, 2008.)

"[J]ust a matter of staying ahead of the curve on food safety."
A story on new raw milk standards that recently went into effect in California
(San Francisco Chronicle: Dec 28, 2007)

"The decision to sell raw milk was made, Cindy Westover said, to give her family a greater margin on every gallon sold." A story about a New Hampshire dairy that decided to sell raw milk for better profits. (Brattleboro Reformer: Jan. 11, 2008)

"With the raw stuff, you get all the goodness that is in it."
A story about the popularity of raw milk cheese made by a Wisconsin dairy.
(Green Bay Press-Gazette: Jan. 9, 2008.)

2007-12-31T11:55:00.000-06:00

We spent yesterday organizing our basement. It is one huge playroom for the kids. While toiling away, my wife found a box of old cassettes. Among them she found the inspiring song of freedom below. A local Kansas City woman sent it in to WDAF-TV in the hopes they would air it. It's many years old; my wife hasn't worked there in over 15 years. While I appreciate love of country as much as the next guy, perhaps not everything deserves expression through song.

We Are Free
(Anonymous)

We are free to remember and free to forget
Free to go swimming and free to get wet
We are free to make money and free to spend same
Free to build fortunes, free to seek fame

Free to rise early and free to goof off
Free to go sailing and free to play golf
Free to live simply and free to slide by
Free to watch ball games and free to ask why

Yes we are free
Indeed we’re free
In our sweet homeland
We are free (Free free free)

We are free to be married and free to give love
Free to have children, they’re free from above
We are free to find laughter and free to have fun
Free to talk silly and free to chew gum

We are free to be scholars and free to read books
Free to be doctors and free to be cooks
We are free to drive toll-ways and free to ride trains
Free to catch taxis and free to fly planes.

Oh we are free
Indeed we’re free
In our sweet homeland
We are free (free free free)

Yes our freedom is precious
And it must not be so
With it we’ll not bargain
‘Tis dearer than gold

We are free to be happy and free to dream dreams
Free to climb mountains and free to ford streams
We are free to be honest, and free to be true
Free to beat drums for the red white and blue

We are free to see beauty, ‘tis God’s hand
He mad it from scratch, this vast greening land
From Concord to L.A.
From Tampa to Butte
‘Tween rives and mountains
Our country bears through

Yes we are free
Indeed we’re free
In our sweet homeland
We are free (Free free free free free free free)

2007-12-29T00:23:00.001-06:00

If this article doesn't convince you to get a brain autopsy, nothing will. It's all about early detection. Make a resolution to get one today!

2007-12-07T16:42:00.001-06:00

Turns out my book is RIPPED from today's headlines.

Hutchinson — At least 87 people in southwest and south-central Kansas have been sickened by a bacteria found in raw milk, health officials said.

2007-12-03T16:15:00.001-06:00

Okay, now I have yet another description for my book that centers a little more on the conflict Carl faces in the book:

Carl Krauthammer moves to Manhattan, Kansas, in an attempt to better himself, simplify his life, and be closer to his personal idol, author Julian Frye. Instead, his new life gets disastrously complicated. He sleeps with Frye's ex, exposes an underground dairy that sells illicit raw milk, and uncovers a militant wing of La Leche League that specializes in light domestic terrorism. Now he must put things right or risk screwing up his new life worse than the one he left behind.

2007-11-20T14:01:00.000-06:00

I asked my son to write up a list of things he wanted for Christmas from Santa. He wrote "All powers" at the top of his list. I asked him what that meant and he got very quiet. He wrote "secret" next to it. Apparently he wanted Santa to grant him all secret powers for Christmas. I told him I didn't think Santa did that sort of thing, so he wrote below it, "or four sets of Legos."

2007-11-17T20:04:00.000-06:00

So I really like Facebook, thought I understand about half of the stuff that goes one there. I'm getting better though. I still can't stop giggling when I see the "Poke her" link whenever you come across a woman. Sounds so untoward.

Guess that's just something I'm going to have to deal with.

2007-11-07T22:18:00.000-06:00

My son Frank (age 4) said the thing he wanted the most was to be bald. Why? "Because it would be soooo fun."

Hair Club for Men, you lost one.

2007-10-30T11:01:00.000-05:00

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2007-10-10T08:37:00.000-05:00

I sent two more queries out yesterday to slightly warmer prospects. They are both agents who represent friends of mine. One has written two well-received literary fiction novels, the other has just written her first nonfiction humor book.

Hard to say whether or not it will be either person's style, but we shall see.

I will keep you posted.

2007-10-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

At dinner the other night, my son Frank held up his index finger and informed us that it was his finger's birthday. We sang 'Happy Birthday,' but since this birthday was a surprise, we didn't have any cake.

2007-10-10T08:21:00.000-05:00

The Cold Submission

I sent what I call a cold submission to an agent a week or so ago. I had no contact with her, no personal connections, and I had not done a ton of research except online and in the Writer's Market. I sent my query letter (since revised twice) and the first three pages of the manuscript.

Three pages was all she wanted. How can you get an idea of a book in three pages? I certainly never would have made it through lots of books just based on the first three pages. Gravity's Rainbow anyone?

But at the same time, three pages is more than most agents want. They just look at your letter, usually including just a one- or two-paragraph letter. Is this intriguing? Is this something new? If so, they'll ask for the first 60 pages. If they like that, they ask for the whole shebang. Even then they might pass, of course.

Not even sure if the agent I sent the stuff to even got to the three pages, because she sent me a 'pass' within a few days of receiving it. I understand it is the first of many rejections, but I think I will focus on making any more cold submissions a little warmer. I need to continue to research and find someone who has represented a humorous book or two from a new author in the recent past.

That's my task. If you've read any fiction recently that made you laugh, please send the title on to me!

2007-09-24T14:40:00.001-05:00

The response to the mass email has been fantastic. I blame you people for my lack of a recent post. I've heard back from people who used to work at publishers, from people who have published their own books, and from friends saying they know no one in the industry, but wish me luck.

So now I have the book out to a few people to read, I've sent three queries out, and I'm trying to write a synopsis, a 3-4 paragraph summary of the plot. I've had problems doing that so far. Everything I have written sounds hackneyed, thought my novel is not hackneyed. Does that make sense?

It's a similar problem I had with writing my two-sentence synopsis. It just comes out as a list of things that happen. I need to delve a little deeper and find the motivation and the comedic turns of events that make the story engrossing. yes. That's all I have to do. Just that.

I'll post it tomorrow when I'm done writing it.

2007-09-14T17:08:00.001-05:00

Next: The Mass email to friends and family

I have sent out the first 60 pages of my book to a friend who had promised to pass it on to her agent. Additionally, I sent a query to a friend of a friend, an agent in L.A. We will see what happens.

My next strategy is to send out a mass email to many of my contacts to see if anyone knows of any literary agents, or anyone who has a literary agent. Chances are you, gentle reader, will get one such email from me within the next few days. I will report back on the success or failure of this effort.

2007-09-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

The story of the cellular biologist

As I was writing the book a week and a half ago, someone suggested I move up a mention of the raw milk story earlier in the book so that it would appear in the first 60 pages. Since raw milk and raw milk cheese is kind of hot right now, I figured that would be a good idea.

So I decided to make Carl's roommate a raw milk cheese enthusiast. But I wondered, would a biologist who actually studies milk (of the bovine variety) dare to drink raw milk or eat raw milk cheese that had only been aged 30 days, against FDA regulations?

I needed a biologist familiar with raw milk to help. I asked my wife if she knew any biologists. My brother-in-Law Tim is a Biology major, but I needed someone more focused on cellular biology. Polly said, "Yes, I know a biologist. I don't know if she'll remember me."

A quick Google search and she found the woman's name. We called her. She answered. When I described the question of whether this guy would actually risk consuming raw milk and that sort of thing, she said, "This is right up my alley."
Turns out she knew plenty of scientists who drink raw milk and eat raw milk cheese. Turned out to be a great resource. Chalk it up to guided serendipity. I told her I'd send a copy of my manuscript as soon as its done.

2007-09-14T16:54:00.000-05:00

Continued tweaking on the Book Description

I have renamed my book. It is now called Raw. I also tinkered with the description some more to fix some parallel structure problems and add a reference back to Carl at the end to make it feel more coherent.

My book, Raw, is a comedic novel about Carl Krauthammer, a 38-year-old who drops everything to do with his life and moves to Manhattan, Kansas. His move uncovers the town's deepest secrets, including an underground dairy dealing in illicit raw milk cheese, a militant wing of La Leche League that performs light domestic terrorism, and a formerly-respected author who thinks Carl can help him restore his missing mojo. It's a complete novel of approximately 73,000 words.

I am also considering adding this line:

I know what you're thinking. Set in Manhattan, Kansas? Raw milk cheese? Militant lactivists? How many times must we endure this old story? But I urge you to please take a look.

Is it too flip?

2007-09-11T07:13:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to be done with my book today, based on my anal-retentive schedule I made a couple of months ago. Instead, it looks like it will be completed by the end of the week. As my friend Whitney Terrell said a long time ago, "The changes you will make at this point will not change an agent's decision to take on your book." They'll either like it or not.

My plan is to send out query letters along with the first 60 pages. Seems logical. It's not like they will throw out the query letter just because I enclosed some of the work.

So my plan is to get the query letter and the sample out beginning Monday. I have had feedback from 6 or 7 people who have said they will pass it on to their agents. That's great news. A friend of a friend may be the way to get this thing published.

Next I will tell you the story of how I found a biologist to help me work raw milk into my book earlier than previously planned.

2007-09-01T08:39:00.001-05:00

According to a new study, 86% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs. In fact the average job satisfaction rate has not dropped below 82% since the study started in 1972. So how does a story's headline to an article describing the study read? "American Workforce Surprisingly Satisfied."

Nothing about the results are actually that surprising. Perhaps it's the headline-writer who isn't satisfied. No wonder. Think about how thankless the job must be? You do your work right and no one notices. Do they give out a Pulitzer for excellence in headline crafting? I think not.

And when you do it wrong, everyone notices. Here's an example: "Clinton, Edwards butt heads."

I'll bet the world's headline-writers fall in the 4% who are extremely dissatisfied with their jobs. Maybe even worse than coal miners or honey wagon drivers.

2007-08-17T08:17:00.000-05:00

Progress Report: With all of the first day of school events this week, I was still able to get some writing time in. I am crossing the 100 page mark on draft 3. Right on schedule for the mid September completion date.

At this point I have four people with agent contacts who have expressed an interest in passing my stuff on. This is great news. I won't have to go in completely cold, at least to these agents.

I'm working up my query letter.
I will post portions of it as I get it finalized so you can see how I'm approaching the selling of the book. It's kind of a tough sell, because while it takes place in a college town, I would not really call it an academic novel like Straight Man, Moo, or Wonder Boys. For one thing it is completely from the student's perspective, rather than the professors' point of view. It shares a setting with Moo, but without the midwestern mocking.

I am confident that if I can get the right agent just to read the thing then I have a good chance. It's possible some will dismiss it out of hand because the academic novel is viewed as trite. That would suck.

Enough navel-gazing for today. Sweaty lint. Eww.

2007-08-10T16:15:00.000-05:00

I just ran through the whole book over the past three days, marking it up, figuring out what had to get fixed. I was pleasantly surprised that pages 100-267 were not in as bad of shape as I thought they were going to be.

I put my anal-retentive scheduling skills in high gear, and it looks like the whole shebang will be done and ready to go out to potential agents by September 12th.

I really feel some momentum now, and and urgency to get the thing out. The subject of raw milk and cheese made form raw milk is getting some press. I need to get the damn thing out.

2007-08-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

So I have begun the daunting task of reading through my second draft as a whole. Right now it's 267 pages. From some editing I did recently, I am guessing I can cut out about 30 pages on my next draft, but I will probably add back in about 20.

The main thing I asked when writing the second draft was, "Do I have the right people in the room for each of these scenes?" This time I will finesse it by asking, "Do I have them in the right frame of mind?" That might involve cutting entire scenes.

I will then go back through and do some heavy editing, giving it the ol' Strunk and White Treatment. Mainly, I'll remove unnecessary words. I did that kind of edit on Chapter 8 and cut out an entire page out of 13. That's not bad.

2007-08-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

Turns out "Ring Around the Rosie" is not a creepy rhyme about the plague.

2007-08-02T07:41:00.000-05:00

Dispatch From the Front

Me: I think you kids like the idea of Pop Tarts more than actually eating them. What do you think of that?

Virginia: I don't even know what you mean.

Graham: Me too.

Frank: Me too.

Henry: Me too

2007-08-01T09:26:00.000-05:00

I finally dumped Sprint as my mobile phone provider and I have never been happier. It cost me $200 to leave them, but it was worth it; now I have a new Blackberry phone and service in my basement office. Joy, oh joy.